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This is a Renew Original Recording.
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Hello and welcome to Believe in People, a two-time Radio Academy Award nominated and British podcast award-winning series about all things addiction, recovery and stigma.
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My name is Matthew Butler and I'm your host, or, as I like to say, your facilitator.
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In this episode, I speak with Henry, also known as Zen Hen, whose story of personal transformation is as compelling as it is relatable.
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Raised in a large, public-facing family where perception mattered, Henry reflects on the early drinking culture of the 1990s, growing up in a household where alcohol was ever present, if not explicitly encouraged.
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From sneaking alcopops at age 12 to becoming the life and soul of social gatherings, his identity became entangled in performance pressure and people pleasing.
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Alcol soon intertwined with emotional eating, stress and self-worth, especially as he navigated adulthood with the confines of a family business.
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His turning point came not from crisis but from clarity, prompted by love, therapy and a brutally honest sleep specialist who changed the course of his life.
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Quitting Alcol led to a shedding of seven stone, restoring his health and marriage and redefining purpose.
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Now the founder of Alcohol Free, a growing sober social movement based in Yorkshire, England, Henry uses his platform to de-stigmatise sobriety, promote sustainable lifestyle change and remind others that recovery doesn't require rock bottom.
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I begin my conversation with Henry by asking about his early relationship with alcohol and what he thinks it was really about.
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It started relatively young.
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I mean not alarmingly to the point it was a problem or anything, I was just surrounded by it.
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But it was the 90s.
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You know what I mean?
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You had Britpop, it was just a lad ladette culture, it was all of that.
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And you had parties and et cetera, like dinner parties.
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We were just around.
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I had a big family so there was lots of cousins, nieces, nephews, so there was always something going on and drinking wasn't necessarily encouraged at all, but the older we got, of course if you're having a meal or something, you might be allowed a beer.
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But I would say the first time really I dabbled into sort of drinking was probably my sister at a party and I was maybe 12, I think it was, and it was just Alco Pops.
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You know, me and my mates, just WKD Blues.
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Yeah, I think Smirnoff Ice Bacardi Breezer.
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You know what I mean.
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So that was, like my main main, the first time I had more than one, whereas before I'd had a few sips of baileys or something like that.
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But really that was kind of like okay, well, I'm seeing all these older people try it and my sister was maybe 16, so even that like you've deemed fairly young, but again around 16 in uk culture is it's kind of allowed in a way, um, rightly or wrongly, it's just, that's just the way it was and um, so yeah, I mean we we had a fair few and I probably felt a little bit tipsy, but you know nothing, nothing horrendous, and then that just kind of, then you have I don't you go to the park and you get someone to get you some white lightning or whatever, and it's just honestly, at the time it just seemed like harmless fun, just mates, mates being mates and just I don't know, just doing what you saw everyone else doing.
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So you didn't see it as an issue.
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And then I remember again going.
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I went on a basically ski trip and we were due to go bowling.
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So we had like a maybe two or three hour window like a slot, and we just thought one of the lads he was a bit older, so I think we were 14 at the time, but he looked about 16.
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I don't know if the age is 16.
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I think we were in Italy.
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So, anyway, he got served, so we got.
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Do you remember the old stubby Stellars?
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Yeah, yeah, yeah, funny enough, that was my first ever drink was a stubby, stella.
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And I, they were cheap.
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I mean, that was the old formula these were strong, yeah anyway.
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So we had a few of those and we were feeling a bit yeah, bear in mind, we were meant to be going bowling after.
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So what happened was, once we had all these drinks, we were drinking them in like a car park and we went to this uh, big supermarket just there was, I think, three or four of us, yeah and then we went to a supermarket and we we were conscious, we smelled a bit of beer so we got got some Axe spray or whatever it is, or Lynx, and then we sprayed that but I was literally, I remember spraying my face with it because I was so worried about smelling.
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And then I was crunching Tic Tacs like no one's business I was just chomping away at them.
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So as we were coming down these steps, I turn around and my mate's got this bottle of vodka and he's like, like, and we turn around, we think he's the best.
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We're like oh my god, what a legend.
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Because I mean what a legend, of course I was like what a hero.
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We didn't think about the consequences, we weren't thinking all right, we've got half an hour now until we need to go bowling.
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So we just swug away and I remember one of my mates got uh, those happy hippos, you know those kinder things, I was so I was so pissed and so we were swigging, swigging, swinging, and then one of them threw up and I was like, hey, you can see a happy upper swimming, or whatever.
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Anyway, I was rolling in this flower bed, all stuff was kicking off.
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Luckily, my friend who's actually still a really good friend, my best friend now, actually he seemed to be a bit more sensible at the time he grabbed the bottle and chucked it, smashed it.
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He was like nah, we've had enough.
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I was fuming, I was really, really I was just angry because at the time I was drunk and I've never been drunk, so you're not thinking logically.
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And if it wasn't for him, I mean God knows where I would have ended up.
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So you can imagine, when the teachers found me, they weren't best pleased and I remember briefly, they walked me up, you know somewhere, and I had to drink from this well or whatever, trying to sober up.
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So that was, that was bad.
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I got told I'd never go on a school trip again and whatever.
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But I have to say what happened, was it I never heard?
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I never heard anything since because I was under their supervision of course yeah so you can imagine they don't want to talk about it, they want to try and hide that it never got back to.
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It never got back to the headmistress.
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So in a way I'm thinking I cut off Scott from it.
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It's amazing.
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I got grounded for a little bit when I got home, but again, rightly so, otherwise I would not have known it was an issue and if I kept getting away with it.
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So, yeah, my first hangover and that was a strong hangover I was.
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I was ill and we were skiing um with school and I said I want to stay in bed and the teacher was like absolutely not, you're coming up.
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I remember sat there just eating snow hoping it'd make me feel better.
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So that was my first real sort of dabble into it.
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And then, you know, I remember going to a party.
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They had their alcohol-free punch.
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I remember basically getting some vodka and spiking that and this was a 16, so technically the word spiking sounds horrible, I know.
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No, I know what you mean.
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You know what I mean.
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Like I wasn't doing it in, like you know I was.
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I wanted everyone to have a good time, but technically I spiked I spiked the party so that was kind of my dabble into it, and then it was just I was that guy.
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I was that guy who brought the fun, who would bring the beers, etc yeah, yeah.
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So being that life and soul of the party, what was the, I suppose, was that a persona that you felt there was a pressure to maintain after that?
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Because, talking about that, that trip, you may have been an absolute legend with a vodka, and I can relate to everything you say.
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Being being the same age as yourself, I understand what that was like and living up to that, I suppose that mantra do you know there to that, I suppose that mantra, there's almost that expectation to be that person in front of people.
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Was that something that you was trying to maintain, even when it wasn't, I suppose, serving you as an individual yourself, my whole?
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life.
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Honestly, yeah, because it started at a young age.
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I kind of felt like, okay, I've got this name for myself.
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Now I had older brothers, older sisters To me.
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I gave off the impression I can handle my drink, I can get who needs booze?
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I can get booze.
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I've got older siblings.
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I would always find a way of making it happen and so, yeah, definitely.
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And then, when it came to being the life and soul, I would always perform and I've seen certain things.
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I think you know I've heard other people on podcasts et cetera, say, you know, by doing that, I look at it as who was I trying to impress at home, et cetera, because there were so many of us.
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I think I was just trying to be seen.
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You know what I mean.
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There were so many siblings, so many family members.
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So I think that was my way of saying hey, I'm here, yeah, and then.
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So I would do daft things, like I would do self deprecating things, just to make people laugh.
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Some people would laugh with, but some people would laugh at.
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But I would take the laughing with and just run with it yeah so, um, but afterwards I'd be like, okay, I've had my fun.
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Now I'm like, leave me alone.
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But if I was quiet at party, people go.
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What's wrong with you?
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I couldn't and I remember saying this many times I couldn't sit in the corner and just be.
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I had to be doing something, I had to be making people laugh and whatever, and then sometimes I just didn't want to.
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So I felt from a very young age that was yeah, I was trying to be seen and you know, and I paid the price, I guess.
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And it's interesting that you acknowledge that, because a lot of people don't.
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I think you know that sort of acting up, acting out.
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It is just about being seen, isn't it?
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I think sometimes it's quite easy to feel like you're lost in the shuffle, and we see it all the time with behavioural issues in children, like sometimes the reason why they're behaving that way is because maybe they're just not getting enough attention, and it can transcend into teenage years, into adulthood, and it can just go on and on.
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But it's interesting that you've recognised that as part of the reason why you was doing what you was doing.
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I would say.
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To tell you the truth, it was my wife who recognised it.
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I knew it was a thing, but once we went to this rugby social I don't play rugby anymore, but a friend uh did, and they invited us and she'd never really met these people before and anyway.
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So, um, she turned around and here I am running into one of these industrial bins, head first, legs dangling out.
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I come in covered in beer, juice and all or whatever.
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I mean I'm in a bin.
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Anyway, she looks at me and she goes what are you doing?
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What are you doing?
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And I'm like well, it's funny, it's a laugh, isn't it?
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It's rugby, blah, blah, blah.
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And she went who are you doing that?
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For I'm not impressed, and she wasn't my wife at the time.
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We'd been together maybe a few months this time and you get that whole saying oh, or you're punching, or whatever.
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I was.
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I heard that a lot, so I'm thinking I've got a good one here.
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I need to sort of.
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But again, I was acting up because that's what everyone expected of me.
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So she planted that seed.
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She was like you don't need to try so hard to impress everyone, you know you are good enough as you are and I guess I've really never heard that before.
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Yeah.
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So it was a defining moment for me really to think okay, well, you can just be at a party, you can just stand next to me and just be yourself, because I love you for who you are.
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And if these people don't, that's on them.
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And that's again because obviously they've been lost in the shuffle a large family.
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But here you are with the undivided attention of someone that you're not having to do those things that you think you need to do.
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Yeah, and I love that.
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It's like that penny drop moment for you to be able to, to be able to see that.
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I suppose obviously you know how.
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When did you when?
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How old are you?
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34, now 34, yeah, what age did you give up drinking?
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So it was October 23.
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So, yeah, I was 20, yeah, 2023.
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So I was 33.
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So, I'm due to be 35 soon.
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So, yeah, I mean it was.
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I didn't intend to give up drinking.
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What happened was friends.
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Well, basically me and my wife now we eloped in Nashville.
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We didn't tell anyone, we just went there, got married, just the two of us, Because, again, you know, I found that person, We'd be having such a big family, there's dynamics, et cetera.
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I just didn't want to hassle.
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It's meant to be about you.
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So we just went there, did it, told them, you know, be mad about it for a little bit, get over it.
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You know and.
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And they were all great about it.
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They obviously welcomed her to the family and they all knew her very well.
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However, what that meant is I didn't have a stag do.
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Okay.
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So my mates were very keen to give me a stag do we didn't call it a stag, but I still got stitched up and had to wear a daft outfit and all that.
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So I had basically I'd left my job of 17 years.
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So I was kind of like this was the stack to fell after that and this was like my last hurrah really, and so I went, I went out with the bank, you know like, but I felt horrendous afterwards but I'd already.
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So, as part of kind of why I stopped my older brother he, he's sober as well.
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Okay.
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So I saw he was, you know, thriving as well.
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Okay, so I saw he was, you know, thriving as well and you know, doing really well at work.
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And I actually worked with my brother, um, at, you know, at the family business, and I I decided to leave that business because he had a chat with me and he just said look, we're here, 70, 75 of our lives really at work.
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You're gonna want to love it, you're gonna have to love it.
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And that was again another penny drop.
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I was like I don't love this, I'm not on the right path here.
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So I decided to leave and my dad, my, you know, my stepmom, my brother, you know, they're all there.
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But they were so supportive because my dad just said your happiness comes first.
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As much as I thought that was my plan, I had a nice house, nice car, you know, etc.
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Everything you think would make you happy, but I wasn't.
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The only thing I had really to keep me going was my wife.
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So I decided to leave then.
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And then everyone was going well, what are you going to do?
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Where are you going to go?
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What's your plan?
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I don't know.
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Luckily, I'd saved enough to be able to survive for a bit, and then I decided to go to Thailand.
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I went to Thailand for four weeks and again, that would help me on my sobriety I just went to like a fitness retreat.
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So I did that.
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But when I rocked up, people were drinking beers.
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They were having six on the balcony.
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I'm like I thought this was a retreat.
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It wasn't like.
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It was a proper cheap and cheerful retreat.
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And they were like is this allowed?
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They were like it's not prison.
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You can do what you like.
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We're all adults here.
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So what that taught me was self-control.
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So from then I came back, I didn't drink out there and I just started to see the benefits.
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I started to feel better.
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So by that point it was sort of January by the time I came back and I'd lost I don't know, let's say just under two stone and I felt good.
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I'm like, why would I go back?
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And this whole performing, I felt I was being myself and people were actually okay with it, because when I was out on the retreat these people don't know anything about me, they don't know my family, they don't know my background I could finally be myself and be accepted.
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So that kind of gave me the confidence.
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Okay, well, maybe it planted seed, maybe this is the problem then.
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Uh, yeah, in a nutshell, that's kind of uh, how it happened, but but it was never a rock bottom.
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I need to make a change.
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It just gradually fell into place.
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So you talked about obviously you know acting out and you know the sort of incident, the story of you jumping into the bin.
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You've talked about losing weight At what point, or I guess, what were the warning signs when you started to realise that your relationship with alcohol had become unhealthy?
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Was it just around the situations that you find yourself in the acting out, or was there physical things that you found about drinking before you needed to like?
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this isn't healthy behaviour.
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Yeah, the physical side, I mean again, I think all of my journey and you know, of course she's going to be listening, but a lot of it, does you know?
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I've become such a better person because of my wife.
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Sorry listening, but a lot of it does you know, I've become such a better person, because, because my wife, um sorry, uh, so basically, are you getting two with that time?
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Not wrong with us?
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No, no, no, look, I shouldn't apologize.
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I don't apologize, that's lovely I'm just worried.
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My contacts fall out.
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So basically, um, the what happened was when it was really becoming a problem, and this was uh.
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So I left my job in sort of october, in about I think it was may time.
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So we've been married.
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Oh no, so it was may june.
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I think it was been married in april, may june, and whilst around this sort of time me and my wife were sleeping apart.
00:15:39.243 --> 00:15:51.869
We'd only been like, so we kind of didn't really have the honeymoon phase, because even when we were in nashville, she was sleeping on the sofa, or I was sleeping on the sofa, because what was happening is I was snoring so bad, so all this weight was just sat on my throat.
00:15:51.869 --> 00:15:54.721
So basically, I didn't know what it was Like.
00:15:54.721 --> 00:15:59.370
Our family was snorers, okay, so I just thought it was a hereditary thing.
00:16:00.081 --> 00:16:02.649
So everyone was like why don't you go to a sleep apnea specialist?
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Come on, you know, go and do it, your dad's done it.
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Blah, blah, blah.
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You know it might be dangerous.
00:16:07.190 --> 00:16:09.086
So anyway, I eventually managed to get in.
00:16:09.086 --> 00:16:14.765
As soon as I walked through the door, this guy just looked at me and went you ain't got sleep apnea, mate.
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I went.
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How do you know?
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He went.
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You just need to lose some weight.
00:16:21.245 --> 00:16:27.250
He went you know I know what you're going to say when you were 16, you were fit and you played rugby.
00:16:27.250 --> 00:16:29.052
He went, it doesn't matter.
00:16:29.052 --> 00:16:32.015
He was like you lose some weight, trust me, it'll get better.
00:16:32.015 --> 00:16:34.965
And I was like what are the other options Without?
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doing that, how can I solve this problem?
00:16:37.864 --> 00:16:48.782
So he said he went, you could invasive but you can do surgery.
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I would not advise it because the recovery is horrendous.
00:16:49.965 --> 00:16:50.846
He went oh, there are mouth guards out there.
00:16:50.866 --> 00:17:14.548
So I was like so in my head, I'm just thinking so I bought a mouth guard, didn't even get out the box, so that was where my head was then so um, and also when I got back, so I was going through all my uh, previous texts so I'm in touch with my old pt, and this was a pt I had like back in lockdown, whatever, and then I had another pt in 2023, similar sort of time I was going through my text to them just to see what my excuses were and it was hey man, I've over indulged in america.
00:17:14.548 --> 00:17:15.531
I feel terrible.
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You know, I want to get back on track.
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I really need your help.
00:17:18.490 --> 00:17:25.087
Oh, you know the stuff the messages they probably get all the time like, yeah, here we go again he'll come for a week and then he'll sack it off.
00:17:25.208 --> 00:17:26.810
So it was really interesting.
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I don't recognize that person anymore.
00:17:28.594 --> 00:17:39.980
But when I'm putting my message out there, trying to obviously help people if they want sobriety or weight loss because that's all I'm doing I'm not earning anything from it, I just want to influence from a distance, you know.
00:17:39.980 --> 00:17:43.027
I mean, I want them to maybe take a bit of a nugget of information and go.