Ross McAndrew: Suicide & Sobriety – From Losing His Father to Leading With Andy’s Man Club

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This is a Renew original recording.

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Hello and welcome to Believe in People, a two-time Radio Academy Award-nominated and British Podcast Award-winning series about all things addiction, recovery and stigma.

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My name is Matthew Butler and I'm your host, or, as I like to say, your facilitator.

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In this profoundly moving episode of Believe in People, I sit down with Ross, an advocate, facilitator and voice for men navigating grief, mental health and recovery.

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Ross's story begins with the devastating loss of his father to suicides, an event that fractured his world and set in motion a series of personal battles with addiction, trauma and despair.

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For years, alcohol and cocaine served as a mask for pain.

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He could not speak aloud, culminating in multiple suicide attempts that brought him to the brink of death and to eventual turning point.

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It was in a hospital bed with his mother by his side that Ross began to rebuild.

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Against a backdrop of doubt, stigma and overwhelming loss, he chose sobriety and later solidarity.

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His involvement with Andy's man Club became a catalyst for not only his own healing, but for offering that same lifeline to others.

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Today, ross helps lead a growing community of men who, like him, have learnt that silence is never strength and that speaking openly can save lives.

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I begin by asking Ross about his childhood and what led to early addiction.

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Growing up I was a typical Jack the Lad went out every weekend, lived for the weekend, played footy with the football lads.

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But I had a great childhood, a fantastic mum and dad and I only really started taking drugs as a weekend thing when I was about 17 I think.

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Started off taking ecstasy, speeds and then cocaine and then wondered why the fuck I couldn't sleep all night.

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You, know, but yeah, no, I was always, just like I said, lived for the weekend with the lads, but the main trigger point was, well, it was 2014, so my mum decided to leave my dad.

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You know, they'd been together 28 years and I still lived with them, and it had a massive impact on me.

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How old was you at that time?

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I was 20 26 at the time and it's all I knew.

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You know, I went out with my mum and dad.

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I partied with them.

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My dad was from an Irish family, so we all loved a drink and I'd spend like a lot of evenings with him and they were like I said, I loved them both to pieces.

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So this was like a massive shock to me and I always remember that they didn't see a real impact on what it was having on me.

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And I remember the for sale sign went up on the house and I'd gone out one Thursday and I came back and I just burst into tears.

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I ripped the sales sign down and doused it in petrol in the back garden and set it on fire and it wasn't until that moment that they thought, god, this is having an impact on Rossy because I think the thing is, when parents split up, some people think that's something that really only affects children, but I think in a way, by the time you're do you say 24 or 26?

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I was 26 at the time at 26.

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At that age, you're going to think you're going to be one of the lucky ones where your parents are together forever, of course, because that's a lifetime, isn't it, do you?

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Know, what I mean for that to happen.

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So yeah, I can massively my parents split up when I was about 14, 15 and I remember the impact that had on me, but I don't think it would have been any different had I been 14, 15 or 24, 25, 26, whatever.

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I think as well with my family.

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We're all close-knit and, like I said, we're more like friends.

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We're mum and dad, but we're best friends as well.

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So it was like another massive effect.

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And I didn't know about mental health or anything, and I'm not going to lie.

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I used to say to people god, mental health, depression, it's a it's, it's a chance to get off the day, off work or something.

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And fucking, how wrong was I.

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Um, so when the house sale finally went through, I said to my mom um, I'm gonna have to go live with dad because you know, we're in business together, me and my dad.

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Um, so I'm gonna have to go because he might, he might struggle a little bit.

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I said, don't think, know, it's hard for me to go with him, but don't think, I don't think any less of you, I love you to pieces.

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And her decision was you know, 28 years is a long time and she blames herself, obviously, for what did go on.

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But my dad, he started to hit the drink a bit, he'd go out and he'd make a show of himself sometimes, but he still, he was the life and soul.

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No one else saw it, but I think my mum's side, because she was in the relationship with him, never married, but, um, I think she was like started to get embarrassed by him and so so to leave was a big thing.

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So, anyway, the house sale went through, um, and I went and moved my dad's um and it just got.

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You know, he didn't want to go to work.

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I was keeping the business running with painter and decorators and I was like, oh God, why is he not coming out to work?

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But he can go out on a night and get pissed.

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And the main thing was they got a settlement each from the house, which was 51 grand apiece.

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So my dad was spending it like it was you know, like monopoly money out every night but didn't come to work during the day.

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So it was a little bit annoying and it wasn't until so the first time I walked back after he'd been on a night out.

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I'd come back from my girlfriends at the time and I walked in and it was really clean and there was beer cans everywhere.

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I said what the fuck is going on here and I walked to the top fucking like.

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We were really like clean and there was beer cans everywhere.

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I said what the fucking hell's going on here?

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And I walked to the top so we lived on like a three floor and I got to like the floor where my bedroom was and there was his bank cards and there was a note there and it basically says I'm so sorry, ross, I love you to bits and all this, but I but I've took an overdose.

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I'm upstairs, so I was.

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As you can imagine, my heart was beating so I literally ran upstairs not knowing if he was going to be alive or dead.

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And my dad he took.

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He was on tramadols for 20 years because he used to be.

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He was a professional jockey.

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My dad and there's a different story I'll tell you about, but he had a really bad fall, so he was on these tramadols for years, so he'd overdosed on them with drink and everything.

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So I went up and I shook him and he just opened his eyes.

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Um, so I was like the relief.

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I imagine that you felt in that moment, huge relief.

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So yeah, he had intended to.

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He had intended to let me suicide.

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No, yeah um.

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So I was gonna ring the ambulance and he said please don't, I don't want anyone to know about this.

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So I sat with him all day, made him drink a shitload of water and I made sure he was sick and stuff, and but still then I was, you know, mental health I didn't know anything about and I thought why do you know what's going on with him?

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I know he's upset about my mum and stuff, but you know, I still didn't have a like a massive range of knowledge about it.

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And I remember being out one night, um, because I was starting to get a little bit worried and someone said about ringing the samaritans.

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So I remember, like ringing them on a I think it was a friday night, I'd had a drink myself and just explained a few bits, uh, saying, you know, I found this note.

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Um, you know he doesn't want to go get up during the day, but on the night time, you know he's out drinking all the time.

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Um, so they said, referring to your gp.

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So I said to Dad look, please, will you go to the doctors and just try and get some help?

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You know whether it's tablets or whatever it is.

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So anyway he said, oh, I'll be all right, I'll be all right, I'll be all right, and that's what it always was.

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And then it was two weeks later.

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Yeah, it was July the 3rd.

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So on the friday night we used to always go for a beer after after work.

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He actually came to work that day, um, I'm in our local pub, um, and he just didn't see himself.

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So he had a pint and he and he drove a form.

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So I went, I finished mine and went after him, um, and he was in the kitchen.

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So I was, I was just having a chat with him was like you're gonna be all right.

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Yeah, I'll be all right, rostockocri, I said, look, everything's fine, I'll keep the business going.

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I know that you're not in it at the moment.

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And I thought he went to bed.

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So the girlfriend I was with at the time and my tea and stuff went and sat in the living room and I came back and the kitchen looked out onto the driveway, it the driveway, and we had like a garage, and I noticed that the garage door was open and the light was shining through it and I thought it must just have been left open.

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And so I just washed up, did normally, and I just went and lit a cig and walked up to the garage door to just just check what was going on.

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And yeah, that's when my fucking that's when my life shattered in front of me because I opened up the garage door and my dad had a tow rope around his neck and he hung himself from the ceiling like from the beams.

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So my instant reaction was just to grab him.

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And I remember grabbing him and just slumping over my shoulder and I was looking for something to cut him down with, not sure if he was alive or dead, and there was like some little hedge cutters to the left of me.

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So as I had him over my shoulder, like lent over, and I cut him down and as I went down with him, I just I knew he was dead and I just laid his body on the floor and I was like it was horrible.

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So the first thing I did was like phone 999 and just explain what happened.

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And the first person who turned up on the scene was a community support officer and she said, oh, we've had noise complaints, what's going on?

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So obviously she's only doing her job.

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And I said my exact words was fucking noise complaints.

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I said my dad's dead in there, he's just hung himself.

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It's later on, after she felt really bad.

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You know she was just turning up for a job, but that was the first person and she felt really bad you know, she was just turning up for a job.

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But that was the first person.

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And then I'll always remember this.

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A car had pulled up and it was one of my friends in and he jumped out and he was like what's going on?

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I told him and he gave me the biggest hug ever and since this day I'll never, ever, ever, forget that hug.

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So, yeah, the police turned up the undertakers and everything came.

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I had to ring my mum as well and explain what had happened and my mum like quickly drove up because she lived about two minutes away and I said please don't open the garage.

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And she opened the garage door and seen him and it just broke her heart.

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So obviously everything was going on.

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I was like what the hell's going on here?

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You know he's dead, I've got all this to deal with and it was like it's the hardest thing ever because he wasn't just my dad, he was, he was my best friend you can tell, by the way you're talking about your relationship with him, that it's that, that it isn't just the fact you've got a business together.

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Do you know?

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It's like you work colleagues as well, do you know?

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I mean, you spent a lot of time, a lot of time.

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He was, like I said, and it's it's 10 years in july since did it and it's it's still talking about.

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It doesn't get any easier.

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No, I can see, you know and, as you're telling that story, I've got I've got a really good relationship with my dad.

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I was just trying to imagine, imagine that, and just I could feel myself behind the eyes thinking fucking hell like that, that would I think.

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That would that think that would fuck anybody up, wouldn't it?

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That was.

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It was all just.

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I didn't know what the hell was going on.

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So when we were sat in the living room with the police officers, they were almost questioning me, like look, it looks like suicide, but we're going to have to question you, fucking hell, so I'm sat there thinking fucking hell.

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I've just seen my dad like he's dead.

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I've had to cut him down and now you're questioning whether it is actually suicide.

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Obviously, they were only doing the job, but I'm like I know, but still, yeah, just.

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It was tough.

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And then, oh God, I always remember this as well.

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So the police officer asked if I was the only child and I was like, yeah, I am.

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My mum said no, and I looked at my mum.

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I was like what she said?

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Your dad had a son that he paid for up until he was 18, called Daniel in Doncaster.

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I was like what?

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So I'm like I've just found my dad dead.

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Now I've found out.

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I've got like a fucking half brother.

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I'm like how much more can I take in here?

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And this is all happening in the same night.

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This is all happened in the space of about an hour, Jesus.

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So obviously I've never pursued it anymore to find this Daniel or do anything, because how do I come across it?

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I'm his half brother and your dad's dead, you know.

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So I've never gone on to find him.

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Obviously, I know it's not something that would have happened immediately, but within 10 years, even within 10 years.

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No, I never, I've never spoke about it.

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I just I know what impact it had on my life, um, so obviously there were reasons there why that they've not been in touch, but I just didn't want to put on to some random.

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You know, this is the story, this is what's.

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Just because everything I've gone through since them 10 years, I just don't want to put it on anyone else.

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And in a stranger as well.

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You know, like you've said, your dad was a friend to you, a real good relationship.

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He was my best friend.

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If your dad hasn't had a relationship with this, Daniel?

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Do you know?

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Yeah.

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I suppose it's just strange in the sense of like such a close relationship with yourself.

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Imagine going to this person and explaining oh, by the way, this had happened.

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And I think as well, depending on what that reaction would be, for instance if he'd.

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Well, I don't care it wasn't in my life.

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Do you know what I mean?

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That'd just piss me If I was in that situation, I'd just get pissed off about that, I think there's a mixture of it could.

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For all I know, we could form like a friendship it could but I'm not prepared to put anyone else's life in that and you know my dad didn't have the greatest upbringing.

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He didn't.

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And he always said to me he said you know, I was never had the greatest upbringing from his dad, but he said I'd never put that on you.

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So that's why we had the friendship.

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It was just like I said he was my best friend, he was my partner in crime.

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He was my business partner.

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So where did it go then after the police officer had asked are you the only child?

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So my mum was like no, and then obviously you can imagine my shock and then she explained that he has got a son in Doncaster called Daniel and I just left it at that, so obviously the undead take it.

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It was horrible having to watch him go into that body bag and get zipped away and I remember just I just couldn't sleep for the love of God, and I just went.

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So that was on the Friday night and on the Saturday I went down to the local pub which is like all Thirsk is a small community and everyone knows and I just went out on a Saturday like nothing had happened.

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I was just on the drink, just constantly brandy, I was drinking brandy and me dad, like that day there was a big horse race.

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I can't remember which race it was the Guineas or something, and I can't remember which race it was the Guineas or something and one of our local trainers I'm really good friends with his son, kevin Ryan, adam Ryan's son and the Grey Gatsby was running and my dad was.

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He was adamant that this horse was going to win.

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He was really fancy and I think he had about 100 quid left in his pocket.

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So I thought, just for my dad, I'm just going to put this money on.

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And I knew it finished third in the end, but that was so, that's.

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I carried on drinking and then it wasn't until maybe about four or five o'clock ish.

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You know, I was just.

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I just wasn't getting drunk, so I got on the sniff had you taken cocaine before that, or was that I took it?

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I took it a lot, but more as a recreational thing.

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So it was a recreational thing but then I just got on it now just to keep going.

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But then so it went all day Saturday, went back to a house party on the Saturday, all day.

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Sunday, back out till the Sunday night and we had funeral arrangements on the Monday which I was meant to go with my mum with and I was still partying.

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Well, same partying.

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I was drinking just to try and numb what was going on in me.

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And God, the amount, the endless amount of brandy, cocaine.

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I dread to think how much we took.

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And on the Monday I was slowly starting to like kick in a little bit like fucking hell.

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You know, I need to go sort my shit out and I always remember I walked.

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It was about nine o'clock at night and I walked through and seen my mum and I just had the biggest fucking breakdown ever and I just gave her the biggest hug and I just cried and cried and cried and cried and my mum's fantastic, my mum, she's always been my best friend, but she is.

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She's an absolute gem.

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If anything was to ever happen to her, god it'd kill me.

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And she says don't worry, we're in this together.

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But the thing is my dad had left a suicide note and in the suicide note was so this was when I'd actually found him.

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Sorry, I've had to do this, ross, do you know?

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I don't want to be here.

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I love you to bits.

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Don't ever blame yourself.

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And at the bottom of that list it said don't let that come at my funeral, meaning my mum.

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That list it said don't let that come at my funeral, meaning my mum oh wow.

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So I knew deep down that my dad didn't mean that.

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Yeah.

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And I certainly my mum was heartbroken when she seen it, but she knew that wasn't my dad.

00:16:15.884 --> 00:16:27.187
So we'd met all the funeral arrangements and I always remember we went to the police station once they'd done all the tests and stuff and it did come back that he'd taken his own life, which was quite obvious anyway.

00:16:27.187 --> 00:16:33.847
Well, the police officer said to me he was like are you going to stick by your dad wishes and not let your mum at the funeral?

00:16:33.847 --> 00:16:36.659
And I looked at him and I said not a fucking chance.

00:16:36.659 --> 00:16:40.451
I said she's going to be stood there at the front of that funeral with me.

00:16:40.451 --> 00:16:42.402
And we did so.

00:16:42.402 --> 00:16:43.464
We made all the plans.

00:16:43.464 --> 00:16:50.265
So the hardest thing, the hardest thing was he had 51 grand in the December.

00:16:50.265 --> 00:16:53.023
In the July there was two grand left.

00:16:53.023 --> 00:16:53.764
So it wasn't.

00:16:53.764 --> 00:16:55.688
I wasn't bothered how much was left.

00:16:55.688 --> 00:16:58.567
This was all going on the funeral but, it kind of sunk in a bit.

00:16:59.561 --> 00:17:01.447
The reason he's done it is because he spent all this money.

00:17:09.319 --> 00:17:10.037
It's a lot of money to spend in the space of what?

00:17:10.037 --> 00:17:10.374
Four or five months?

00:17:10.307 --> 00:17:11.359
yeah um, what was he spending?

00:17:11.359 --> 00:17:11.528
Was it?

00:17:11.528 --> 00:17:12.858
Was it because obviously you said about alcohol, what else just I'll?

00:17:12.858 --> 00:17:15.888
He never really took drugs, just alcohol and gambling gambling.

00:17:15.929 --> 00:17:20.756
So when he so he wasn't working during the day, I was, I kept the business running.

00:17:20.756 --> 00:17:31.846
But we had like this system going where we'd we put some money in the betting account and my dad was fantastic with like following stats and everything else and we had this betting account and we had it built up to.

00:17:31.846 --> 00:17:43.063
I think we had about three and a half grand in there and he went to Thirst Graces on the Saturday so I was doing the betting like with him while he was at the races and I noticed two grand went out of the account.

00:17:43.063 --> 00:17:44.566
So I rang him up.

00:17:44.566 --> 00:17:45.567
I said what the fuck are you doing?

00:17:45.867 --> 00:17:47.310
He said I've just had a tip for this horse.

00:17:47.310 --> 00:17:53.144
I said we never go off tips and that horse got beat so that money was gone.

00:17:53.144 --> 00:17:54.907
So I think he started chasing it again.

00:17:55.107 --> 00:18:01.595
Yeah, it's quickly how quick it can spiral, chasing your losses, I think the more you have as well, the more you will bet.

00:18:01.615 --> 00:18:04.196
And once drink and drugs are involved.

00:18:04.196 --> 00:18:05.636
You know you think you're unstoppable.

00:18:05.636 --> 00:18:07.538
So if you've got 20 grand there.

00:18:07.538 --> 00:18:13.729
You know you think, oh sorry, I'll have this money on it, um, so, yeah, so, because the money had gone, I think that had gone into him.

00:18:13.729 --> 00:18:22.462
But so there's 2200 and something left, um, and I was going to make sure he had the best send-off ever, um, so we put it all into the funeral costs.

00:18:22.462 --> 00:18:25.750
Uh, I even had his coffin wrapped in like a horse racing theme.

00:18:25.750 --> 00:18:28.204
It was lovely, it was really really good.

00:18:28.840 --> 00:18:40.950
Just going back to, obviously, the comment he made about your mum being at the funeral, and by the sounds of it, you know the separation life spiralling out of control for him.

00:18:40.950 --> 00:18:44.066
Did your mum feel responsible in any way?

00:18:44.066 --> 00:18:45.009
My mum blames herself to this day, Really.

00:18:45.029 --> 00:18:46.294
She blames herself to this day and out of control for him.

00:18:46.294 --> 00:18:46.895
Did your mum feel responsible?

00:18:46.915 --> 00:18:47.959
in any way my mum blames herself to this day.

00:18:47.979 --> 00:18:52.316
Really, she blames herself to this day.

00:18:52.316 --> 00:18:54.853
Oh God, it's so tough just to when we sit and talk about him and stuff.

00:18:54.853 --> 00:18:58.681
She does blame herself, but I've said to her Mum.

00:18:58.681 --> 00:19:00.186
It's your life, do you know?

00:19:00.186 --> 00:19:04.510
What I mean so she's got a tattoo, my Life, my Choice.

00:19:06.839 --> 00:19:08.846
And then she's got the, the semicolon thing which is for suicide.

00:19:09.146 --> 00:19:15.048
Um, and she has that tattoo there for her and I said you need to stick by that, but I know she blames herself to this day for my dad.

00:19:15.087 --> 00:19:23.393
Yeah, the thing is with, you know, working in a substance misuse service like ours, we often see, um, you know, threats of suicide a lot.

00:19:23.393 --> 00:19:25.667
The reality is we can only do so much.

00:19:25.667 --> 00:19:28.047
And he talks about getting the Samaritan's number and things like that.

00:19:28.047 --> 00:19:28.970
There's only so much information.

00:19:28.970 --> 00:19:36.212
But we always say at the end of the day, if somebody wants to kill themselves, that is their decision, isn't it?

00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:50.130
It's funny you should say that because I had a chat with my mum on Monday and I said to her I said if I knew what I know now through, like mental health and suicide and stuff, I think I could have done a lot more for dad.

00:19:50.130 --> 00:19:56.936
And my mom stopped me and she said Ross, it was heartwarming, but she said, ross, you'd have never saved your dad.

00:20:00.241 --> 00:20:02.834
He had it in his mind to do it, so don't ever blame yourself.

00:20:02.834 --> 00:20:07.257
And it was a really really like heart feeling, feeling heart to heart with her, but it kind of settled in.

00:20:07.257 --> 00:20:11.528
You know as much as I do know today about the awareness of mental health and suicides.

00:20:11.528 --> 00:20:14.905
Yeah, he had it in his mind, he was always going to do it and I think as well.

00:20:14.905 --> 00:20:18.269
It's tough, but I think now he's at peace.

00:20:18.269 --> 00:20:20.681
He is at peace and I think that's the main thing.

00:20:20.681 --> 00:20:23.604
It's still fucking hard, don't get me wrong.

00:20:23.604 --> 00:20:24.285
It's really hard.

00:20:24.285 --> 00:20:38.487
But when I go visit his graveside now I think he's at peace, now I can sit there, I can have a chat with him, whereas for about eight years before, the only time I'd go see- him is when.

00:20:38.507 --> 00:20:40.884
I'd have a drink or occasions and stuff and that was just a trigger for me.

00:20:41.066 --> 00:20:41.346
Yeah.

00:20:45.799 --> 00:20:48.207
But the hardest thing thing, and it's still hard to this day, so obviously father's day is at the end of june.

00:20:48.207 --> 00:20:55.278
Yeah, the anniversary of his death is on july the 3rd, and then his birthday is in august so you've got a rough couple of months in the space of what?

00:20:55.278 --> 00:20:56.082
Five, six weeks?

00:20:56.082 --> 00:20:59.673
I've got all them to deal with and I always use them as a trigger.

00:20:59.673 --> 00:21:03.605
Um, so my own mental health I've fueled with with drinking drugs.

00:21:03.605 --> 00:21:07.065
It was like that was my mask, but it's only been the past two years.

00:21:07.626 --> 00:21:24.157
Um, where I've actually can go up there now and I can, I can sit and and like, relax and have a chat with him, and the nicest thing is is so where the graveside is the thirst race course is literally nearby um, and it was only on his anniversary this year that I went and sat up and there was a night meeting on at thirst so I could hear the commentary of the horses and it was just it was.

00:21:24.157 --> 00:21:29.508
It was only on his anniversary this year that I went and sat up and there was a night meeting on at Thirsk so I could hear the commentary of the horses and it was really peaceful.

00:21:29.508 --> 00:21:32.829
It was lovely to sit and chat and that's what he'd like.

00:21:33.921 --> 00:21:36.710
I think with your dad as well when we say about it being the choice.

00:21:36.710 --> 00:21:43.987
It sounds like he really was ready to make that decision because obviously he made the attempt with the tramadol not long before.

00:21:43.987 --> 00:22:02.451
And often when speaking with survivors of suicide attempts, I always find it interesting that a lot of people who do survive it almost have that clarity or realisation when they do survive is actually, I never wanted to die, I just wanted to stop feeling the way I did.

00:22:02.451 --> 00:22:04.988
Now you woke him up from that.

00:22:04.988 --> 00:22:11.107
You helped him through the possibility of an overdose there, but he still wanted to make that decision.

00:22:11.107 --> 00:22:17.790
So if he hadn't had that clarity after the first one, I think that shows that he truly wanted to do what he wanted to do.

00:22:19.884 --> 00:22:27.203
On the Saturday I was due to go for a night out in Yarm and I said if I'd have managed to save him that day, what's saying it wouldn't have done it that day.

00:22:27.325 --> 00:22:38.229
He did have it in his mind and it wasn't until a year after the anniversary, because I was I think it was a week after the funeral I went straight back to work and I got on.

00:22:38.229 --> 00:22:41.625
I was just going about my everyday life and I was just tunnel vision.

00:22:41.625 --> 00:22:43.042
Keep this business going.

00:22:43.042 --> 00:22:44.646
And Do you know what?

00:22:44.646 --> 00:22:47.032
I was thinking this before I came in and did this podcast.

00:22:47.032 --> 00:22:48.525
Who said this to me?

00:22:48.525 --> 00:22:52.465
But they said look, just be careful, you're doing too well at the moment.

00:22:52.465 --> 00:22:53.644
It's going to come crashing down.

00:22:53.980 --> 00:22:55.046
And I don't mean that in a bad way.

00:22:55.046 --> 00:22:59.044
I can't remember, for the love of God, who said it, but fuck me, were they right, jesus?

00:22:59.044 --> 00:23:01.705
So it wasn't until the year anniversary.

00:23:01.705 --> 00:23:07.852
I was doing absolutely fine, and then the year's anniversary came and it just the realisation set in.

00:23:07.852 --> 00:23:18.675
You know, I'm never going to get to see my dad again, I'm never going to get to hug him, see him on Father's Day, go racing with him, and I remember I'd gone out on a Thursday night and I'd got absolutely hammered.

00:23:18.675 --> 00:23:29.992
And on the Friday morning I came back in, just after everyone had gone to work, um, my mum and her partner, um, and it was about 20 past eight.

00:23:29.992 --> 00:23:36.854
I took obviously I've been on a drink and everything, and I took all my tablets, um, and I'd left a note and that was me, that was.

00:23:36.854 --> 00:23:37.375
That was.

00:23:37.455 --> 00:23:46.788
I don't know if it was a cry for help it wasn't necessary, that I didn't want to be here, but it was like I didn't want to be here, but it was like I can't live without my dad.

00:23:46.808 --> 00:23:49.431
Yeah, so yeah, I woke up in intensive care.

00:23:49.431 --> 00:23:55.017
The girlfriend I was with at the time she'd message my mum when we would come round.

00:23:55.017 --> 00:23:56.962
And that's when I first.

00:23:56.962 --> 00:23:59.871
It was my first suicide attempt.

00:23:59.871 --> 00:24:09.429
It was my first involvement with going through counselling, going on medication and stuff and I was starting to do all right.

00:24:09.429 --> 00:24:15.032
I did a thing called EMDR, which is like it's similar to hypnotism.

00:24:15.032 --> 00:24:15.983
That's what she said when.

00:24:16.023 --> 00:24:16.526
I began it.

00:24:17.521 --> 00:24:19.008
So it's all your thoughts in your mind.

00:24:19.008 --> 00:24:26.384
So all I could picture was my dad hanging from this beam with this yellow tow rope and it always stuck in my head, so transferring the thoughts.

00:24:26.384 --> 00:24:29.105
She said you are in control, but it is like hypnotism.

00:24:29.105 --> 00:24:32.108
So what you had to do was picture a happy place.

00:24:32.108 --> 00:24:38.205
So my happy place was just what I imagined was nice, crystal ocean, white beach and a veranda.

00:24:38.205 --> 00:24:40.526
And I even got a picture just around.

00:24:40.526 --> 00:24:43.406
I think it was from the Maldives and I put it as my screensaver.

00:24:46.019 --> 00:24:55.627
So what I had to do was go back from three um traumas in my life, so the first one being obviously traumatic but not so traumatic, and some a bit more intense, and then obviously we'll get to your dad.

00:24:55.627 --> 00:25:03.710
So my first one I was in a car accident, um, when I was 20, 23, 24, so that was my traumatic time.

00:25:03.710 --> 00:25:04.531
So I pictured that.

00:25:04.531 --> 00:25:06.414
And then I pictured my happy place and what I had to do.

00:25:06.414 --> 00:25:11.744
I had to follow her fingers like this and what it was doing it was transferring the thoughts from your parts of your brain.

00:25:11.744 --> 00:25:13.846
Amazing, amazing, amazing stuff.

00:25:15.701 --> 00:25:18.268
And it worked, this was working, this was doing fantastic.

00:25:18.268 --> 00:25:32.167
But you'd come out, and you'd because they said don't drive or anything after it, because you did come out feeling like like almost a bit like hypnotism.

00:25:32.167 --> 00:25:33.551
Yeah, it was like your whole body was like oh god, this is unreal, um.

00:25:33.571 --> 00:25:39.528
and my second session was um, I was when I dislocated my knee playing cricket and again doing the same thing, from a traumatic time to this and then the last one.

00:25:39.528 --> 00:25:50.385
Um, so I think I did about three months of it and the last one was picturing my dad going back to your happy place and this was the hardest session and I came out and I was just God.

00:25:50.385 --> 00:25:51.627
It was like Jesus.

00:25:51.627 --> 00:25:53.833
I've done this, I'm fine now.

00:25:53.833 --> 00:26:10.151
And I went for a pint in the pub and the first guy I saw came up and told me so this guy, errol, was good friends with my dad, through racing, through everything, and I always remember at the funeral he said I can't believe Martin's done this.

00:26:11.472 --> 00:26:21.542
It's so selfish I'd never do that and it is it is hard to hear, but until you've been through it yourself, it's not selfish, it's not a coward's way out anyway.

00:26:21.542 --> 00:26:22.005
So I'd walked.

00:26:22.065 --> 00:26:22.487
I hate that.

00:26:22.487 --> 00:26:24.948
I hate that term with stuff like so it was a coward's way out.

00:26:24.948 --> 00:26:25.209
Yeah.

00:26:25.388 --> 00:26:25.609
Yeah.

00:26:25.609 --> 00:26:30.403
So as I'd walked into the pub, one of the locals came up to me.

00:26:30.403 --> 00:26:32.229
The first thing he said he said have you heard about Errol?

00:26:32.229 --> 00:26:33.372
He says no.

00:26:33.372 --> 00:26:34.503
He said he swung himself to the air.

00:26:34.503 --> 00:26:46.625
Oh fuck, I was like you are joking the hardest session of EMDR.

00:26:46.625 --> 00:26:49.465
And then Errol, after what he said to me at the funeral, and now he's done it, and it was like fucking hell.

00:26:49.465 --> 00:26:51.012
How much more of this can I do?

00:26:51.053 --> 00:27:01.022
he must have been fighting his demons he must have been telling himself don't do it it's a coward's word, almost as a way to try and bring his own mind, and then he succumbed to it himself eventually as well.

00:27:01.022 --> 00:27:03.166
Exactly, and it was just so tough.

00:27:04.209 --> 00:27:06.492
But the CMDR helped the counselling.

00:27:06.492 --> 00:27:15.119
I went through PTSD counselling and then I've done all sorts bereavement, everything and then I was on the tablets.

00:27:15.119 --> 00:27:22.846
I was on the metazapine so they were helping me sleep on a night and then obviously, helping my mood and stuff.

00:27:22.846 --> 00:27:27.369
So this was this was this was grand for about four years.

00:27:27.369 --> 00:27:36.148
And then COVID hit and that was I lived on my own at the point and then I lost my granddad, which was my dad's dad.

00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:46.907
So, as you can imagine, all this set triggers back and I just started drinking more and I was using drugs, but this it was always cocaine.

00:27:46.907 --> 00:28:04.147
Cocaine was always my choice, but it was a case of I'd start on a Thursday, thursday nights here, but then I never wanted it to end, not because I was a party animal, because I'd be sat like in my kitchen on my own having a line having a drink, and I didn't want it to end because I knew what was coming.

00:28:04.147 --> 00:28:13.771
So I think I did four and a bit days in total but just drinking and then just listening to irish music and stuff and it was.

00:28:13.771 --> 00:28:15.920
It was starting to take a bit of a toll on me um but no one knew.

00:28:16.260 --> 00:28:17.103
I didn't tell anyone.

00:28:17.103 --> 00:28:20.212
Um, I just hid it all, hid behind the mask.

00:28:20.212 --> 00:28:29.334
I was going to work, I was turning up at work at like half 10 and then working, god, about six, seven, and it's like getting out of bed.

00:28:29.334 --> 00:28:36.307
Even if I wasn't hungover, getting out of bed was the hardest thing and that was the depression side.

00:28:36.307 --> 00:28:38.564
You know, I shower twice a day.

00:28:38.564 --> 00:28:39.709
I brush my teeth twice a day.

00:28:39.709 --> 00:28:43.144
I'd lay in bed for like two, three days and I'd just get up for a piss.

00:28:43.144 --> 00:28:44.224
I wouldn't eat or anything.

00:28:44.224 --> 00:28:45.787
And it was tough.

00:28:45.787 --> 00:28:48.569
And it wasn't until when I started drinking and taking drugs.

00:28:48.609 --> 00:28:58.266
Then you could hide behind all this pain and you could like go be the life and soul of the party, but deep down you're just masking it, yeah, and no one's seen that.

00:28:58.266 --> 00:28:59.088
No one's seen it at all.

00:28:59.088 --> 00:29:02.546
So that was then the second time.

00:29:02.546 --> 00:29:03.788
And so that was then the second time.

00:29:03.788 --> 00:29:04.971
But the second time I tried to take my own life.

00:29:04.971 --> 00:29:06.240
I had it planned.

00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:14.450
I just went about my normal day and I remember, just set up in my kitchen I'd like I had a marble chopping board, because I love my cooking.

00:29:14.450 --> 00:29:19.394
Well, this marble chopping board was mainly used for lines of cocaine and then chopping food on.

00:29:19.394 --> 00:29:23.487
And I remember, and I was just, I was taking cocaine drinking and I wrote a suicide note.

00:29:23.487 --> 00:29:26.074
I and I remember I was taking cocaine drinking and I wrote a suicide note.

00:29:26.074 --> 00:29:28.240
I thought I just can't deal with this anymore.

00:29:30.048 --> 00:29:30.529
At this time.

00:29:30.529 --> 00:29:31.674
I don't want to be here.

00:29:31.674 --> 00:29:35.219
What's that like to be at that point where you were ready to I can't.

00:29:35.219 --> 00:29:46.664
I've had some very low moments and I think most people at some point have thought about suicide, but I've never got to the point where I feel like I'm writing my last letter, my last words, to someone.

00:29:46.664 --> 00:29:51.847
What's that experience like, being at that point, and how did you feel when you was, when you was actually writing it?

00:29:52.189 --> 00:29:57.546
I think the main thing is fueling it with the drinking drugs, because when I was sober you could.

00:29:57.546 --> 00:30:02.906
You could almost try and manage of it and think right, come on, you can sort yourself out yeah but I think the drinking drugs.

00:30:03.248 --> 00:30:05.152
obviously you're just bringing back things you know.

00:30:05.152 --> 00:30:06.645
You're putting on Irish music.

00:30:06.645 --> 00:30:08.346
I'm fueling it all myself.

00:30:08.346 --> 00:30:16.685
So I remember writing this note mainly to my mum, and tears were just streaming down my face, and this was the first, because I think the first time was maybe like a cry for help.

00:30:16.685 --> 00:30:18.065
I need help here.

00:30:18.065 --> 00:30:24.994
I didn't know what the effects of taking my tablets was going to do, john, because what's the gap between the first attempt and the second attempt?

00:30:25.015 --> 00:30:29.403
The first one was a year after the anniversary started in 2016 and then the next one.

00:30:29.403 --> 00:30:30.184
Like I said, I was fine.

00:30:30.405 --> 00:30:31.848
Yeah, but not fine still dealing with.

00:30:31.848 --> 00:30:32.590
I get what you mean, yeah.

00:30:32.611 --> 00:30:36.589
But the COVID, so I think it was 2021, so it was a good four years.

00:30:42.422 --> 00:30:58.890
I left my sliding patio door open on my house and I went upstairs and I put all my dad's funeral photos out and stuff and I'd taken all my box of prescription pills, the metazapines I don't know how many's in the thing mixed with the alcohol and the cocaine and I wrote my mum.

00:30:58.890 --> 00:31:02.546
I messaged her and just said the back door's open, I'm so sorry.

00:31:02.546 --> 00:31:21.387
And now my mum I think it is about quarter past six in the morning my mum just so happens to have got up for a wee at that time and read her phone and she was round at my house within minutes and then I was rushed off into hospital and again intensive care Woke up, wires all out of me.

00:31:21.387 --> 00:31:23.488
Do you know I'm having to see a psychiatrist.

00:31:23.488 --> 00:31:26.926
They were talking about my medication.

00:31:26.967 --> 00:31:37.430
It had to be monitored, so my mum had to have my medication from then on and give me two at a time, just to prevent you from trying to do it again, just to prevent me, yeah.

00:31:38.260 --> 00:31:39.606
But still I never spoke about it.

00:31:39.606 --> 00:31:42.289
So I went for my second or third batch of counselling.

00:31:42.289 --> 00:31:44.428
I think this was bereavement counselling.

00:31:45.922 --> 00:31:46.625
Can I just go back?

00:31:46.625 --> 00:31:55.624
So when you text your mum, was there an intention of you need to come and help me right now, or was that truly a I'm sorry and a goodbye it?

00:31:55.644 --> 00:31:58.386
was a sorry and a goodbye, like I wrote in the note, and it wasn't.

00:31:58.386 --> 00:31:59.825
You need to come and help me right now.

00:31:59.945 --> 00:32:00.729
I didn't want to be here.

00:32:01.923 --> 00:32:03.189
That was my final straw.

00:32:03.189 --> 00:32:06.424
Like I'm done, I can't deal with this.

00:32:06.424 --> 00:32:15.887
I'm I'm causing everyone, I'm causing my mum's stress, because she just thought I was a fucking set she had she had a drink and a drug problem, which don't get me wrong.

00:32:15.887 --> 00:32:20.226
I've had some fantastic times on drinking drugs you know when it's stag do's.

00:32:20.226 --> 00:32:30.834
You know, with the footy lads and stuff, I've met some of my best friends, um, but when you're using, when you're using it for the wrong reasons, just to hide behind it all, Especially those substances.

00:32:30.874 --> 00:32:40.307
you know, I think things like cocaine are the type of drugs that you use in those party environments, with friends, you know, in a recreational way.

00:32:40.307 --> 00:32:45.387
I think there is that moment when you're doing that stuff by yourself, where it's like, okay, the party's stopped now, the party's stopped now.

00:32:46.141 --> 00:32:49.228
I remember sat up for two days on my own.

00:32:49.228 --> 00:32:53.484
It was nice because no one was asking for a line and no one was putting cigarettes off, you, you know.

00:32:53.484 --> 00:32:56.450
But I thought you know what are you doing here.

00:32:56.450 --> 00:33:05.256
You know you're literally scrolling through Facebook your heads, you know purposely putting yourself in that place.

00:33:05.276 --> 00:33:06.959
I was feeling it myself.

00:33:07.078 --> 00:33:10.728
I was feeling it, but the reason I was doing it is because I knew what was coming.

00:33:10.728 --> 00:33:20.023
So obviously what goes up must come down, but with my down was a lot further down because I was hiding behind a lot of fucking hurt, um.

00:33:20.023 --> 00:33:26.182
So, yeah, I did, I fueled it myself, um, and, like I said, looking back it's I only really had myself to blame.

00:33:26.182 --> 00:33:31.805
But I was doing it because I didn't want to talk about it, even though I was doing my counselling.

00:33:31.805 --> 00:33:43.727
I was telling them my problems, I was telling no one else my problems, and I went through North Yorkshire Horizons as well, monitoring my drink intake, and I thought so I was doing the right things, but I wasn't really putting them into practice.

00:33:44.859 --> 00:33:48.023
So you're just going through the motions of it as opposed to Going through the emotions.

00:33:48.044 --> 00:33:57.811
yeah, exactly, and it's almost like oh God, poor me, this has happened, but I'd give off great advice to people about mental health and stuff.

00:33:57.811 --> 00:34:00.188
Yeah, I would never put into practice myself.

00:34:00.902 --> 00:34:01.885
I think that's most people.

00:34:01.885 --> 00:34:04.406
I always say I can give really good advice.

00:34:04.667 --> 00:34:04.868
Yeah.

00:34:06.964 --> 00:34:11.820
But Christ, when the chips are down for myself, I'm like I don't know what to do Exactly 100%.

00:34:11.820 --> 00:34:14.429
Trying to put myself in other people's situations.

00:34:14.599 --> 00:34:15.726
It's like, yeah, you just need to do this.

00:34:16.340 --> 00:34:17.827
And I think that's most people.

00:34:18.340 --> 00:34:19.264
That's not just yourself.

00:34:19.380 --> 00:34:20.786
Most people would be able to relate to that.

00:34:21.181 --> 00:34:23.882
Yeah yeah, definitely yeah.

00:34:23.882 --> 00:34:24.690
So when was that COVID?

00:34:24.690 --> 00:34:25.094
Yeah, so that was so.

00:34:25.094 --> 00:34:25.579
When was that Covid?

00:34:25.579 --> 00:34:27.807
And then again I was.

00:34:28.527 --> 00:34:33.831
I was struggling, I was really struggling and the worst part was so my dad's side of the family were Irish.

00:34:33.831 --> 00:34:41.639
So I went over to Ireland January 2023 and I thought this is me going back seeing my family.

00:34:41.639 --> 00:34:45.614
This is going to help me and, you know, bring all the love back.

00:34:45.614 --> 00:34:58.887
This is going to be my excuse to go over to Ireland because literally, you're 40 minutes on a plane and we've got a big family in Ireland and it's a beautiful part of the country, in County Mayo on the West Coast, and it had the complete opposite effect.

00:34:58.887 --> 00:35:01.485
I came back from that holiday.

00:35:01.485 --> 00:35:02.630
I went for four days.

00:35:02.630 --> 00:35:10.947
I came back and it just, oh my God, it just brought back all the trauma, all the love, and I hit an all-time worst.

00:35:10.947 --> 00:35:15.922
I was fucking drinking and taking cocaine every other night for three, four nights on end.

00:35:15.922 --> 00:35:20.010
Um, I was really struggling, really, really struggling.

00:35:20.010 --> 00:35:22.322
So this was in the january.

00:35:22.322 --> 00:35:30.836
So then, up until the april, apr 20th, I'd gone out on the Friday and I was hurting so bad.

00:35:30.836 --> 00:35:42.068
I remember I never drank vodka, never, ever and I got a full bottle of vodka and I was sat in my house just drinking vodka drinking, but I was not taking drugs.

00:35:42.068 --> 00:35:48.271
I thought I was going to get absolutely shit faced here and then that was it.

00:35:48.271 --> 00:35:54.072
I don't remember anything more, other than I came out of a coma.

00:35:54.112 --> 00:36:01.311
Two days later I was in intensive care, icu 2 in James Cook in Middlesbrough.

00:36:01.311 --> 00:36:02.534
They were fantastic.

00:36:02.534 --> 00:36:04.242
And I woke up.

00:36:04.242 --> 00:36:06.409
My mum's next to me.

00:36:06.409 --> 00:36:08.025
She's in absolute floods of tears.

00:36:08.025 --> 00:36:17.974
I've got wires, tubes, everything coming out of me, um, and what I'd done is I'd hung myself from my stairs at home.

00:36:17.974 --> 00:36:22.827
Um, so that was me, that was my life done.

00:36:22.827 --> 00:36:24.268
I was jokes.

00:36:24.268 --> 00:36:25.871
I'd got absolutely blackout drunk.

00:36:25.871 --> 00:36:26.932
I'd.

00:36:27.293 --> 00:36:32.829
I couldn't remember any of it, um, so, yes, it wasn't until my mum.

00:36:32.829 --> 00:36:39.389
She didn't really say what had happened, but, um, my girlfriend well, my ex-girlfriend at the time.

00:36:39.389 --> 00:36:44.847
I was messaging her and my she'd messaged my mum saying I think r Ross needs your help.

00:36:44.847 --> 00:36:54.864
My mum was coming round that day anyway to give me a bollocking, as she said, but she usually goes to my grandma's on a Saturday afternoon and that day she just didn't.

00:36:54.864 --> 00:37:03.751
So she walked into the house and seen me hanging and she had to cut me down and try and save my life.

00:37:03.751 --> 00:37:13.827
So it wasn't until so I'm laid in hospital and then my mum's there next to me telling me briefly what had happened.

00:37:13.827 --> 00:37:23.106
You know, you're lucky to be here and then some results came back, my test results to check if I'd been brain damaged, and they came back positive.

00:37:23.106 --> 00:37:25.565
So I didn't.

00:37:25.606 --> 00:37:31.945
I couldn't remember anything and I always remember that night when I came out of my intensive care, like out of my coma.

00:37:31.945 --> 00:37:56.643
I was laid there and I was in a room there was four of us, um, and this always stands out to me this the nurses had come and they had like a massive sheet of paper stood and they were watching individually, like for every 10 minutes or so, um, and just sat staring and they're monitoring if there's any finger movement, any eye twitches, because these guys are like fighting for their lives.

00:37:56.643 --> 00:38:02.487
Um, and I remember saying to my mom when she came in the next day I was like I'm just mesmerized by what they're doing.

00:38:02.487 --> 00:38:03.510
She said they were doing that for you.

00:38:03.510 --> 00:38:05.764
Ross said we weren't sure if you were going to make it or not.

00:38:07.447 --> 00:38:20.382
Um, anyway, I've seen the psychiatrist, uh, on the tuesday, and then I got discharged and I always remember, as I walked out of intensive care and the nurse said to me do you know what, ross?

00:38:20.382 --> 00:38:32.996
You don't realize how lucky you are, because not many people walk off this ward, and that always sticks in my head that and when I finally got home, I just don't know what it was.

00:38:32.996 --> 00:38:36.485
It was so tough.

00:38:36.485 --> 00:38:37.869
I thought what the fuck's happened?

00:38:37.869 --> 00:38:40.603
What have I done here?

00:38:40.603 --> 00:38:44.565
This is exactly what your dad did, and look what it did to you and your poor mother's here.

00:38:45.981 --> 00:38:55.132
You're putting somebody else through the possibility of everything that you've gone through, everything I've been through, and the person I was doing it to was the best rock of my life is my mother.

00:38:56.420 --> 00:39:05.768
So when I finally got home I turned my phone on and obviously I'm quite not sounding like a big head, but I'm quite well known around Thirsk and everyone knows everyone.

00:39:06.079 --> 00:39:07.346
A lot of messages, a lot of concern.

00:39:07.659 --> 00:39:08.563
So I remember.

00:39:08.563 --> 00:39:18.909
So I turned it on and I remember it coming on and it was like I'd just set it to vibrate because every single message was coming through, whether it's through Facebook, text message, snapchat.

00:39:18.909 --> 00:39:19.900
It's.

00:39:19.900 --> 00:39:26.463
After about 15 minutes, once it finally stopped vibrating, I went on and I thought do you know what?

00:39:26.463 --> 00:39:30.449
Every single person that's messaged me, I'm going to message them back individually, absolutely.

00:39:30.449 --> 00:39:33.693
So I sat down and I started messaging everyone individually.

00:39:33.693 --> 00:39:35.114
Thank you so much, appreciate it.

00:39:35.114 --> 00:39:35.976
Thank you so much.

00:39:35.976 --> 00:39:40.028
Means a lot, and so I started at 10 o'clock in the morning.

00:39:40.028 --> 00:39:41.331
It wasn't just constant.

00:39:42.420 --> 00:39:46.208
I'd had my dinner and stuff, and I sent my last message at 11 o'clock at night, just thanking everyone.

00:39:46.208 --> 00:40:05.311
This bit gets me and the one message that stood out for me was from my mum, and that message said I know you can't read this, ross, but will you please open your eyes so I can tell you how much I love you.

00:40:05.311 --> 00:40:14.806
And reading that message, reading that message was just enough just to say do you know what you've sought yourself out?

00:40:14.806 --> 00:40:23.905
Now, that was the hardest bit and that always sticks by me that my mum was laid by my side, not knowing if I was going to make it or not, for her to have to message me.

00:40:26.226 --> 00:40:32.675
That breaks me up every time um, it shows where her mind is as well, because I had that moment.

00:40:32.675 --> 00:40:49.309
She's sending that message, thinking you're never going to read that I'm never going to read that's the kind of like where how irrational your mind is in that situation, you're just doing anything and I suppose looking at a previous message from you, writing a message out to you, feels like you're in communication with you.

00:40:49.309 --> 00:40:53.442
Yeah, despite you being in that yeah situation that she's currently looking at.

00:40:53.862 --> 00:40:57.130
It was heartbreaking that's the bit that always stands out.

00:40:57.130 --> 00:41:03.864
And I remember just sat there right after messaging all these people back and I'd seen one.

00:41:03.864 --> 00:41:09.253
I'd seen like all the love and support and it's like you've got a second chance at life.

00:41:09.253 --> 00:41:18.068
Now Look at what you've nearly left behind, look at what you've put your mother through, my grandma, everything else, and that was something just came across me.

00:41:18.068 --> 00:41:27.547
I was like, right, I'm going to go sober, I'm going to stop the drink, I'm going to stop the drugs, I'm going to get myself sorted, I'm going to get sunk into work.

00:41:28.543 --> 00:41:30.692
And this part of my recovery story I always remember.

00:41:30.692 --> 00:41:31.755
So it was on.

00:41:31.755 --> 00:41:41.030
So this was on the tuesday, and so on the thursday I went back to the church and I'd never been back to that church since I, my dad and I spoke to the priest, lovely guy.

00:41:41.030 --> 00:41:48.090
I said you might I told you my story, what happened, and he remembers, obviously, my dad's funeral and he was like look, ross, we're always here for you.

00:41:48.090 --> 00:41:50.849
He said sit at the back of the church as much time as you want.00:41:50.849 --> 00:41:53.405


And I remember like I'm not religious at all.00:41:53.800 --> 00:41:56.650


I used to go with my dad to the Catholic church as a kid and stuff.00:41:56.650 --> 00:41:59.248


Obviously, the Irish side of the family are massive religious.00:42:00.019 --> 00:42:08.492


Obviously, there's beliefs and stuff there and I remember just sat at the back of the church and I just took it all in and I just prayed to, obviously, my dad.00:42:08.492 --> 00:42:09.293


He's kept me here.00:42:09.293 --> 00:42:10.936


How the hell are you still here?00:42:10.936 --> 00:42:16.476


So, my dad, I sat in there for about 20 minutes and I walked up to the big doors.00:42:16.476 --> 00:42:20.987


As I walked out and I blessed myself with holy water and this could almost be a scene on like a movie.00:42:20.987 --> 00:42:30.965


I opened the doors and the sun was just beaming down and I remember saying to myself your new life starts now.00:42:31.045 --> 00:42:32.025


And I stuck by it.00:42:32.025 --> 00:42:33.186


I went straight back to work.00:42:33.186 --> 00:42:36.391


So I was discharged on the Tuesday.00:42:36.391 --> 00:42:41.780


So I went back to work on the following Monday and everyone was like God, are you okay and all this stuff.00:42:41.780 --> 00:42:43.242


And I was sticking to it and a lot of people doubted me.00:42:43.242 --> 00:42:44.143


A lot of people did think, joy, you was.00:42:44.143 --> 00:42:45.985


I was sticking to it and a lot of people doubted me.00:42:45.985 --> 00:42:48.728


A lot of people did think joy never be able to do it.00:42:48.728 --> 00:42:53.373


I never thought in a million years I loved having a drink, I loved having a line.00:42:53.373 --> 00:42:54.074


I'm not going to lie.00:42:54.074 --> 00:42:55.574


I loved the, the interaction.00:42:55.574 --> 00:42:57.077


I was a life and soul.00:43:08.420 --> 00:43:09.322


But when you're using it for the?00:43:09.322 --> 00:43:10.043


So I downloaded an I am sober app.00:43:10.043 --> 00:43:22.402


So I was posted like the one month sober, the two months sober, and I kept posting it, one to try and help others and two this is the massive two basically to say fuck you to all the people who are doubting me here.00:43:22.402 --> 00:43:30.400


Um, and I kept going and I remember when I got to the six months marker, I'd been discharged from everything.00:43:30.400 --> 00:43:32.547


So obviously the crisis team had to come and see me.00:43:32.547 --> 00:43:39.108


They came three times a week for the first three weeks and then they came twice a week and then once a week.00:43:39.108 --> 00:43:45.480


So I was getting discharged, I was still using my horizons and my counselling and after six months I'd been discharged.00:43:45.480 --> 00:43:52.766


And I always remember the crisis team guy because I'd seen about three or four different people and the guy that came to discharge me.00:43:52.766 --> 00:43:57.246


He said you know what, ross, it is an absolute pleasure to come and discharge you today.00:43:57.619 --> 00:44:01.659


He said I don't think you realise, but you're the talk of the team at the moment.00:44:01.659 --> 00:44:04.786


He said what you're doing and that was like a self-joy.00:44:04.786 --> 00:44:06.112


He felt what you're doing and that was like a self-adjoining.00:44:06.112 --> 00:44:07.117


You felt proud about it.00:44:07.117 --> 00:44:09.286


Absolutely, it was a massive thing.00:44:09.286 --> 00:44:11.648


Yeah, so the six months came.00:44:11.648 --> 00:44:13.106


I was just tunnel vision.00:44:13.106 --> 00:44:21.010


I wanted to build the business back up, because I did nearly piss it into the ground yeah every excuse under the sun, for why you don't?00:44:21.050 --> 00:44:21.659


turn up and stuff.00:44:21.659 --> 00:44:34.489


So I had a mindset with that and I carried on working and I got back into my cricket, which I used to play as a kid and for all the years got back into that and had a good season and I was just doing everything right.00:44:34.489 --> 00:44:44.088


But yeah, once I was discharged of everything, got to the years, sobriety, and it was like a massive achievement and it was also I'd been back to Ireland as well.00:44:44.088 --> 00:44:53.190


Sadly, we'd lost my great auntie and she was like the backbone of the McAndrew family and I'd gone back to an emotional time.00:44:53.190 --> 00:45:00.746


I'd seen people I'd not seen for 20 years and I'd still stayed sober, and so that was a massive trigger.00:45:00.746 --> 00:45:07.168


But then again, three months later I lost my grandma, which was my dad's mum.00:45:07.168 --> 00:45:09.126


So that's like my candru side wiped out.00:45:11.021 --> 00:45:14.548


And I was like God if I was ever going to relapse, you know, now would be it.00:45:14.548 --> 00:45:20.507


I just kept mindset, I did just keep going and I didn't really have any triggers.00:45:20.507 --> 00:45:21.429


I'd go out.00:45:21.429 --> 00:45:23.025


I'd still be my normal self.00:45:23.025 --> 00:45:29.282


I'd drink the Guinness cereal, if I can promote that Fantastic stuff.00:45:29.282 --> 00:45:29.722


Be my normal self.00:45:29.722 --> 00:45:32.010


Um, I drink the guinness cereal, if I can promote that fantastic stuff.00:45:32.010 --> 00:45:32.954


Um, and I still socialized.00:45:32.954 --> 00:45:34.177


Um, I did, however, realize that I don't have a filter.00:45:34.177 --> 00:45:37.606


You know, it wasn't food, drinking the drugs yeah, I'm still the same without it.00:45:37.606 --> 00:45:43.503


Um, but yeah, things were just happening, like I said, like death of my, my great auntie, my grandma.00:45:43.503 --> 00:45:51.155


Um, and I got in a relationship it was a girl about two months after I'd come out of hospital.00:45:52.541 --> 00:46:00.364


And it was a girl that I'd kind of fancied for years and she stood by me and she was sober for eight months.00:46:00.364 --> 00:46:08.047


She stood by me, but then that started to hit the rocks a little bit because she started drinking again and it wasn't that I had an issue with it.00:46:08.047 --> 00:46:10.710


You've got to look after yourself.00:46:10.820 --> 00:46:12.306


You've got to look after yourself, yeah.00:46:13.740 --> 00:46:15.829


And just a few things like a rose and stuff.00:46:15.829 --> 00:46:18.228


But, like I say, I'm not going to sit here and slag it off or anything.00:46:18.228 --> 00:46:25.452


I really did love it and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do was it was in the July.00:46:29.880 --> 00:46:32.081


I had to walk away from that relationship purely because I had to think of myself.00:46:32.081 --> 00:46:34.722


I don't get wrong, I loved the bones of her and it was tough.00:46:34.722 --> 00:46:39.306


So I've got all this stuff to deal with but managing it was so much easier.00:46:39.306 --> 00:46:42.588


The anniversaries came with my dad's.00:46:42.588 --> 00:46:43.489


You know the.00:46:43.489 --> 00:46:52.014


Father's Day and everything and I was just focusing on them and I was just handling them so much better and I was just so headstrong.00:46:52.014 --> 00:46:53.054


I was in such a good place.00:46:53.054 --> 00:46:54.114


I'm posting everything.00:46:54.114 --> 00:46:55.556


I'm trying to inspire people.00:46:55.856 --> 00:47:01.800


I've got people stopping me in the street saying God, ross, where?00:47:01.920 --> 00:47:10.271


you've come from is just you know it's unbelievable, especially with, like, as you said, with Fairst being such a small community, everyone's kind of knowing everybody and so on.00:47:10.311 --> 00:47:11.793


Yeah, the thing is as well.00:47:11.793 --> 00:47:14.695


Everyone did know their own business, but I thought I'm going to post it.00:47:14.695 --> 00:47:25.740


So I put some really deep posts out about what happened and how I was doing it and trying to really help mental health and suicide.00:47:25.740 --> 00:47:27.644


Make sure no one gets into that stage again.00:47:27.644 --> 00:47:36.364


Um, and it was, it was, it was really getting noticed, it was brilliant and, like you said, the the year anniversary came.00:47:36.364 --> 00:47:37.266


That was fantastic.00:47:37.266 --> 00:47:44.927


I'd met all them, all them moves, and then in the september of last year, um, I was, what was I?00:47:44.927 --> 00:47:50.014


16, 15, 16 months sober, and one of my friends from thirsk.00:47:50.014 --> 00:47:56.943


He said look, there's this which I'm going to speak about now is, um, there's this, there's this club that raises awareness for men's mental health.00:47:56.943 --> 00:47:59.550


Um, and his man club.00:47:59.550 --> 00:48:01.601


So I thought, right, yeah, I'll come along.00:48:01.601 --> 00:48:06.396


Um, I didn't know what it was about or anything, um, and I'll try and try and inspire others with my story.00:48:06.396 --> 00:48:06.672


Had you heard of it?00:48:06.643 --> 00:48:07.168


before and his man club.00:48:07.168 --> 00:48:08.501


You know what it was about or anything, and I'll try and inspire others with my story.00:48:08.501 --> 00:48:09.027


Had you heard of it before, andy's man Club, do you?00:48:08.998 --> 00:48:09.269


know what?00:48:09.269 --> 00:48:19.829


It's funny because when I came out of hospital, a guy in our local gave me this band and his I think it was his sister had been to a young lad who had committed suicide.00:48:19.829 --> 00:48:22.708


And his mum had said give Ross this band.00:48:22.708 --> 00:48:26.126


So I had this band on and I knew nothing about it.00:48:26.126 --> 00:48:35.659


Obviously, I was going through my crisis team and everything else, so I was sticking by my recovery, but I didn't really know anything about it.00:48:35.940 --> 00:48:39.719


So, yeah, so I went to the first one along in Ripon with Dave, and I found myself sat there with a group of people.00:48:39.719 --> 00:48:42.186


You know, you've got I'm here, as you know.00:48:42.186 --> 00:48:45.487


As far as I'm concerned, you know I'm pretty all right, but as far as I'm concerned.00:48:45.507 --> 00:48:45.907


I'm pretty all right.00:48:45.907 --> 00:48:49.173


You've got people coming through here for the first time who are fucking shitting themselves.00:48:49.173 --> 00:48:54.128


You know and it wasn't until I sat down so the ins and outs of Andy's man Club.00:48:54.128 --> 00:48:59.889


You get a brew and everything and you sit down in a big circle and it all begins with question zero.00:48:59.889 --> 00:49:00.309


It's called.00:49:00.309 --> 00:49:04.340


So it's like explain who you are and why you come to Andy's man Club.00:49:04.340 --> 00:49:06.023


So I kind of use my.00:49:06.063 --> 00:49:23.961


You know I've dealt with this since losing my dad, blah-de-blah-de-blah, I've gone sober, this, that and the other, and then we get split into two groups and then the three questions are always the same How's your week been, what's the positive or highlight of your week and anything to get off your chest.00:49:23.961 --> 00:49:34.030


So I found myself sat there answering these questions, normal, and then the anything to get off your chest, and I told these strangers that I'd met what half an hour ago.00:49:34.030 --> 00:49:39.806


I'm telling them my story and I find myself crying like breaking down.00:49:39.806 --> 00:49:54.422


And each and every one of these guys you know they've all got their own individual problems so supportive, and I thought, thought I've come to try and inspire others, yet they're inspiring me while I'm doing this, getting it off my chest, um.00:49:55.143 --> 00:49:58.371


So it can get quite deep on them on anything to get off your chest.00:49:58.371 --> 00:50:01.264


So that's why after the break they really try and concentrate.00:50:01.264 --> 00:50:05.244


So there's question four and five, um, and then questions a bit more light-hearted.00:50:05.244 --> 00:50:06.711


You know what's your favourite biscuit?00:50:06.711 --> 00:50:11.144


Favourite crisp in Asani and the importance of that is to like leave on a high.00:50:11.144 --> 00:50:18.943


So I left like this first Andy's man club thinking this is fucking brilliant this is absolutely brilliant.00:50:19.143 --> 00:50:24.068


Everyone's got their own individual story to tell and I remember someone saying god.00:50:24.068 --> 00:50:33.351


I thought I didn't realise my story was anything bad at all compared to listening to you, but one of the facilitators, Rippon Andy, he's called.00:50:34.300 --> 00:50:35.449


Does everyone think it's his club?00:50:35.449 --> 00:50:36.940


Yeah, yeah, well, that's it, I can imagine.00:50:37.641 --> 00:50:42.268


He says I'm not the Andy, but he says it's not a pissing contest.00:50:42.268 --> 00:50:44.347


So each and every one has got a problem.00:50:44.347 --> 00:50:44.809


It doesn't matter what you're going through.00:50:44.809 --> 00:50:44.914


So each and every one has got a problem.00:50:44.914 --> 00:50:47.425


It doesn't matter what you're going through, and I understand that.00:50:47.425 --> 00:51:02.420


What's happened to my dad is it's horrendous, but in my eyes it's no different if someone loses their dad for cancer or for a car crash, you've still got that trauma and heartache of what you're going through.00:51:02.521 --> 00:51:09.000


So that was the first encounter of the club and when I left, like I said, I felt buzzing absolutely buzzing.00:51:09.000 --> 00:51:17.306


And then obviously the Monday came after and I remember one guy stopping me and he said you know what, ross, I've come back because you've inspired me to come back.00:51:17.306 --> 00:51:23.275


And I said you know what, it's fantastic to hear that, it is really nice.00:51:23.275 --> 00:51:28.974


And I always put on my posts and stuff like the journey and stuff, and I always put on it.00:51:28.974 --> 00:51:32.170


I don't do this for the red carpet treatment.00:51:32.391 --> 00:51:33.556


I don't want the red carpet.00:51:33.690 --> 00:51:35.117


I don't want smoke blowing in my ass.00:51:35.117 --> 00:51:39.597


I do it to try and help others yeah because I don't want anyone to be at rock bottom.00:51:41.070 --> 00:51:42.114


You've experienced it.00:51:42.114 --> 00:51:43.396


You know what it's like.00:51:43.396 --> 00:51:44.550


You don't want anyone to feel the way you've ever felt.00:51:44.610 --> 00:51:52.360


Don't want anyone to ever feel at all, that's completely understandable Ever, just on the topic of these groups, because they are really well-attended groups, aren't they?00:51:52.360 --> 00:52:00.836


I think, with the subject of mental health and our own mental health being such a deep subject, how do you get through?00:52:00.836 --> 00:52:01.277


How does subject um?00:52:01.277 --> 00:52:03.119


How do you get through, like, how does everyone get a chance to talk?00:52:03.119 --> 00:52:05.382


Do you have a set amount of time that you're allowed to check in?00:52:05.382 --> 00:52:07.105


I'd imagine I'd go to one of these.00:52:07.105 --> 00:52:12.170


You'd have, say, 25 people there and it'd get around to me and I'd be like, oh, bloody hell, we've been here two hours.00:52:12.170 --> 00:52:13.172


Do you know what I mean?00:52:13.172 --> 00:52:14.074


How does it work?00:52:14.074 --> 00:52:16.842


I suppose just the logistics of it so we all see.00:52:16.862 --> 00:52:24.909


So on the first group at um at ripping, I think it was 25, 26 so a lot of people, yeah, a lot of people so we um.00:52:24.909 --> 00:52:30.552


Like I said, it's a brief introduction of yourself and everything you've been through and that's the reason we split into two groups.00:52:30.934 --> 00:52:43.391


Um, I think some of the places are getting over 30, so they split into three groups, yeah, so you've got your facilitators, um, who kind of run the groups um, and they always try and say joe, the question one and two, how has your week been?00:52:43.391 --> 00:52:44.052


Um?00:52:44.052 --> 00:52:47.804


And then positives, try and like get through them quickly.00:52:47.804 --> 00:52:50.856


Don't get me wrong, there's some people who like to go on.00:52:51.197 --> 00:52:52.824


Um, you sometimes see it in our circles.00:52:52.824 --> 00:52:57.043


It's like I deliver training and I'll be just trying to go around and introduce yourself the next thing.00:52:57.043 --> 00:53:02.318


Someone's doing a share and I'm like well hang about me, you know I only need to know your name and a little bit you know.00:53:02.338 --> 00:53:11.235


But yeah, but I think naturally people can, can just, especially when it's important to them, and that is hard because you don't want to interrupt someone when what they're saying is important to them.00:53:11.235 --> 00:53:18.376


So I've often wondered, like obviously you've got to, you've got to be a good facilitator, I imagine, to be able to that is appropriately cut people off.00:53:18.396 --> 00:53:19.199


We spoke about that.00:53:19.199 --> 00:53:26.697


There's a list of rules at the beginning which talks about obviously no preaching, no talking about medication, not this and the other.00:53:26.697 --> 00:53:31.882


And it does say if a facilitator does like interrupt, you don't take it personally.00:53:31.882 --> 00:53:33.474


It's just so we can get through it all.00:53:33.494 --> 00:53:34.115


Yeah, absolutely.00:53:34.356 --> 00:53:38.927


So when you so like, as you say, anything to get off your chest can get quite deep sometimes, I can imagine yeah, can get quite deep sometimes.00:53:38.947 --> 00:53:39.309


I can imagine.00:53:39.309 --> 00:53:39.409


Yeah.00:53:40.110 --> 00:53:49.673


But you can be sat there and you can be clock-watching, because the importance of getting them last two questions in is, so you're leaving a high Because if you're in a group and you've just listened to all these things.00:53:49.673 --> 00:53:50.677


Shitload of trauma.00:53:50.730 --> 00:53:53.697


You're going to go out there thinking fuck, do you know what I mean?00:53:53.697 --> 00:53:56.056


Coming out worse than I've come in, do you know?00:53:56.097 --> 00:54:03.532


Yeah, so that's the of them.00:54:03.532 --> 00:54:16.442


So you do get like a bit of a clock watch, um, but you do have the full two hours and we like to get a bit of a break if it's five minutes, but if we get to say, for instance, at 20 to 9, um, and we've still got the next two questions, we'll just go straight into him, because that's like the highlight of them yeah um, so yeah, that was like.00:54:16.643 --> 00:54:30.036


So four weeks, four sessions, I've done, and then we got put forward for facilitator training, um which was which was brilliant and a massive achievement yeah um, so the guy dave from thirsk who got me involved with all this he wanted to get one set up in thirsk.00:54:30.938 --> 00:54:33.065


So I was like, yeah, I'm all for it.00:54:33.065 --> 00:54:43.099


You know, we we scoped around looking for places because you've got a list of requirements, you know no open bars and has to be on a mond Monday, you know separate rooms, etc.00:54:43.099 --> 00:54:43.239


Etc.00:54:43.239 --> 00:54:53.155


So we took some serious time scoping out a lot of places in Thirsk and we just couldn't find anywhere and we were expecting, like maybe May, june, july we'd get a club in Thirsk.00:54:53.155 --> 00:55:01.010


But then our area lead, elliot, he said, you know his exact words were I love your two fucking commitment, you know.00:55:01.070 --> 00:55:02.572


I'm going to give you a club in January.00:55:02.572 --> 00:55:09.898


So we were like Jesus God, we've only been going for a few months and we got our first club.00:55:09.898 --> 00:55:12.260


It was on Monday, just opened, just opened on Monday.00:55:12.260 --> 00:55:18.887


And it's nerve wracking because we've had all this preparation, all this time looking for places.00:55:18.887 --> 00:55:21.172


You know, is anyone going to turn up?00:55:21.172 --> 00:55:23.920


We knew we had four facilitators there, so there's four of us that are definitely going to be there.00:55:25.231 --> 00:55:35.059


And thankfully we got the support from some of the guys from the other clubs lads from Rip and Kem one of the guys from Harrogate Kem and I remember I was just so you've got a sweeper.00:55:35.059 --> 00:55:38.833


So the sweeper is a guy who walks on the car park after the session starts.00:55:38.833 --> 00:55:41.878


So that's purely because people sat in the car.00:55:41.878 --> 00:55:42.541


They're nervous.00:55:42.681 --> 00:55:45.333


Yeah, that's, that would be me that I'd get to somewhere.00:55:45.333 --> 00:55:47.420


And I've done that to a few things before.00:55:47.420 --> 00:55:50.603


I've just sat in my car and I've made up an excuse and I'm gonna fuck, I'm going home.00:55:50.603 --> 00:55:53.032


So that's a really good idea to have that, do you?00:55:53.052 --> 00:55:53.293


know, what?00:55:53.293 --> 00:55:59.195


That's an incredible idea the amount of people who have said you know, I've even the facilitators at ripping right, uh dave.00:55:59.195 --> 00:56:03.992


For instance, he said um, you know, the first time I drove past, you know, I sat in the car park.00:56:03.992 --> 00:56:04.715


I didn't want to go in.00:56:04.715 --> 00:56:08.250


And I get that, because walking there's nothing more nerve-wracking.00:56:08.269 --> 00:56:12.871


You know, you've got your own individual problems and you're going to go share them in front of people that you don't know.00:56:12.871 --> 00:56:18.534


But the importance of the facilitators are obviously to have a chat with them, um, and then take you in.00:56:18.534 --> 00:56:20.597


They do make you you feel welcome, introduce you to everyone.00:56:20.597 --> 00:56:25.755


So having that like importance role of the club, it's brilliant.00:56:25.755 --> 00:56:30.679


Yeah, so it's like half six and it's like two people turned up and I was like, oh fucking hell.00:56:30.679 --> 00:56:33.217


But, still two people is better than none.00:56:33.257 --> 00:56:41.099


Yeah, absolutely so you're helping two people and I went and made a brew and I came out and got them all up the cars, was it?00:56:41.099 --> 00:56:46.735


Elliot was sweeping so he came in with a couple, but they came in dribs and drabs and there was 29 in attendance.00:56:46.777 --> 00:56:48.653


That's incredible and it was honest to God.00:56:48.713 --> 00:56:50.119


It was just the achievement.00:56:50.119 --> 00:56:52.418


It was like, wow, we think this is going to do brilliant.00:56:52.530 --> 00:56:55.519


And a lot of them were first-time attendees, I imagine when they were in first go.00:56:55.710 --> 00:56:59.853


There was 22 for the first time that's incredible Guys had come.00:56:59.853 --> 00:57:03.617


One of the guys had come from Yarm, which is about half an hour away, and it was good.00:57:03.617 --> 00:57:06.760


It was the first sign I thought this is going to do all right this.00:57:06.760 --> 00:57:10.905


This is you know it's and it's the thing is because Sturts is a small-knit town.00:57:10.905 --> 00:57:12.347


You know, I always made this joke.00:57:14.510 --> 00:57:17.235


If you fart in one pub, you go into the next.00:57:17.554 --> 00:57:24.664


That's what it's like, so I literally had to highlight the fact that everything that happens in the club stays in the club.00:57:24.664 --> 00:57:34.358


There's no judgment, it's confidential Because, look, there's nothing worse than thinking you're going to walk into a club and the next one, tom Dick and Harry's talking about you in the pub.00:57:34.358 --> 00:57:38.835


But we really highlight that the confidentiality the confidentiality is key.00:57:38.835 --> 00:57:40.811


It is key.00:57:42.072 --> 00:58:00.264


Just talking about this, I think one of the things and it's quite you know, the term toxic masculinity is used a lot, but the idea that men shouldn't share their feelings, that men should be strong and this, that and the other, which, of course, in my opinion, is bullshit, Do you know what I mean.00:58:00.545 --> 00:58:05.673


I think it takes a stronger man to talk about the things that bother him than to to to bottle them up.00:58:05.673 --> 00:58:12.514


What would you say to someone who had that opinion of oh, men shouldn't be sitting around a group sharing the feelings and whatnot.00:58:14.239 --> 00:58:14.541


I think.00:58:14.541 --> 00:58:17.719


I think what I'd have to say to him is have you been through it yourself?00:58:17.719 --> 00:58:19.152


I think that's the main thing.00:58:19.152 --> 00:58:20.295


Have you had depression?00:58:20.295 --> 00:58:21.697


Have you lost someone from suicide?00:58:21.697 --> 00:58:24.143


Have you been close to someone who's lost someone?00:58:24.143 --> 00:58:27.715


I think until you've been through that yourself, you can have an opinion on everything.00:58:28.391 --> 00:58:29.717


There's a free speech everywhere.00:58:30.971 --> 00:58:41.215


But until you've actually been in there and done it yourself, then you'll never realise, you know, because some people will say, oh God, sat there with a group of guys just rattling on, you know.00:58:41.215 --> 00:58:57.222


But yeah, it's not like that at all and I use one guy, for instance and he won't mind me saying it all because I use him my positive most weeks is seeing this guy called Andrew, and so he came in the first week and he was a wreck, an absolute wreck.00:58:57.222 --> 00:59:07.858


And two, three weeks after do you know what Don't get me wrong he's still hurting with the trauma that's happened in his life but he's talking out do you know what?00:59:08.771 --> 00:59:15.780


He's promoting the club himself, so he's giving all these first-timers like an idea of what it's like.00:59:15.780 --> 00:59:21.295


And God, I almost gave him my facilitator jumper on Monday because he said you know my name's Andrewrew.00:59:21.597 --> 00:59:22.563


I've been this um.00:59:22.563 --> 00:59:30.431


After my first session it was like a 20 ton lift off my shoulders, um, and it's not until you hear people who have been through that.00:59:30.431 --> 00:59:39.893


So I guess, unless anyone's really been into it and like they can say what they want about it but they don't really have an idea- don't judge until you've walked a mile in the shoes exactly.00:59:39.954 --> 00:59:41.577


Yeah, yeah I think that's the saying.00:59:41.577 --> 00:59:42.541


Anyway, I could be wrong.00:59:42.641 --> 00:59:42.842


Yeah.00:59:43.911 --> 00:59:51.259


No, I think it's incredible to have it, and I mean I myself, you know I struggled a lot when my daughter was first born.00:59:51.259 --> 01:00:04.864


I felt really overwhelmed by the responsibilities of being a dad and I remember looking into the Andy's man Club thing and the reason why I didn't go is because I just felt so, I felt guilty leaving my wife with the baby.01:00:04.864 --> 01:00:06.373


Yeah, but it was at the time.01:00:06.373 --> 01:00:29.239


I remember reading stories online that people were sharing about how the club had helped them and it was really that point where I thought I should really go to something like this and I referred myself for mental health support and by the time mental health support actually got back in touch with me to do my triage, I was like you know, it's been three months, I'm fine now yeah, yeah, you know I made that referral when she was just a few days old, when I was like, overwhelmed to fight, I can't do this, I'm good01:00:29.260 --> 01:00:29.500


you know.01:00:29.500 --> 01:00:38.599


And then by the time mental health support got in touch with me, I was like no, I'm fine now, but there was an element where I thought I could just go to this meeting today, and that's how quick it can be.01:00:38.599 --> 01:00:39.079


Do you know what I mean?01:00:39.079 --> 01:00:39.940


You don't have to wait.01:00:39.940 --> 01:00:53.592


I know I'm not saying you guys are professionals in that sense, but for that peer-to-peer support element, when waiting lists for mental health can be so long there's a meeting on a week-by-week basis, sometimes multiple meetings a week Just fucking go.01:00:53.592 --> 01:00:54.472


Do you know what I?01:00:54.932 --> 01:01:03.157


mean it's funny you say that because before we were getting all set up for Thirsk, we had to do a video, me and Dave, just to try and say what Andy's man comes about.01:01:03.157 --> 01:01:04.039


And that's what I said.01:01:04.039 --> 01:01:07.081


I said, you know, we aren't counsellors, we aren't therapy.01:01:07.121 --> 01:01:08.882


I'm a painter and decorator.01:01:09.123 --> 01:01:09.963


But just come along.01:01:09.963 --> 01:01:12.744


And that's when I had the chat with my grandma.01:01:12.744 --> 01:01:20.034


She was a social worker for God years in Middlesbrough and I asked her about mental health has it always been around?01:01:20.034 --> 01:01:34.096


And she said obviously, when the Mental Health Act was introduced it was a case of getting into a straitjacket, into a padded room and all that yeah yeah, and like I said since my dad, the thing of mental health is just everywhere now, which I never really heard about it.01:01:36.432 --> 01:01:56.550


Somebody said something along the lines of me before which I thought was interesting was that mental health is so it's so pushed now that, um, encouraging people to talk about mental health will lead to a mental health crisis, and I didn't get what he meant at the time, but I think you're kind of seeing that now in the sense of because everyone's so open about the mental health and talking about it and wanting to receive support for it.01:01:57.313 --> 01:02:01.893


That's when the waiting times for mental health support naturally is getting longer and longer and longer.01:02:01.893 --> 01:02:24.918


Yeah, because the difference is between feeling depressed and having depression, feeling anxious and having anxiety, and I think having those meetings again is a massive uh help on to to really kind of like hold up the support system and helping people, maybe until to the point of where they get, like, um, I suppose, a clinical or a medical intervention in terms of mental health as well.01:02:25.481 --> 01:02:33.472


So I don't think it can be understood how important groups like what what you have are really is in in the, in the wider community as well yeah, they are massive.01:02:33.771 --> 01:02:35.777


Uh, and, like you said, we've all got regular jobs.01:02:35.777 --> 01:02:40.215


We're just volunteers but, in the rules before it said the only time we'll go out and talk about.01:02:40.215 --> 01:02:49.356


So say, for instance, someone comes in and they're going to cause harm to themselves or to anyone else, but then we will talk about and try and get them referred.01:02:49.356 --> 01:02:56.721


But like they say, this is like a peer-to-peer talking group but we always list out the Samaritans and everything else, if you do need.01:02:56.849 --> 01:02:59.952


Yeah, if you need further support Further support at the time, but do you know what it's unbelievable?01:02:59.952 --> 01:03:01.833


Favourite support at the time, but do you know what it's unbelievable?01:03:01.833 --> 01:03:28.376


I never thought in a million years that a group of lads just sat having a cup of tea dunking their biscuits in talking about the problems and the thing that sticks out to me there's a couple of guys that have come in saying I've heard all these stories, I've got a good wife, I've got a good job, I've got kids, but there's something that's keeping me like from anxiety, for instance, that I have to come to these clubs and it doesn't matter what problem you've got.01:03:28.737 --> 01:03:30.936


It doesn't matter, it's causing your life stress.01:03:31.311 --> 01:03:36.016


So, like I say, it doesn't care that Tom Dick, it's not a Dick measuring contest about who's got it the worst does it.01:03:36.056 --> 01:03:36.538


Do you know what I?01:03:36.577 --> 01:03:46.143


mean, I think that would be my thing.01:03:46.143 --> 01:03:47.675


Do you know, like it was something that was pointing to me, as I mentioned then about the, the depression I felt my daughter was first born.01:03:47.675 --> 01:04:00.041


Someone made a comment to me when oh, we'll just think there's plenty of people out there were really trying for a baby that can't have a baby, and I was like, and then I felt guilty about feeling like shit, that I've got this opportunity to be a dad and I don't know how to handle it and I was like fuck me and I get what I was trying to do, but I was like that just made me feel worse.01:04:00.320 --> 01:04:03.465


So I suppose that's the difference, I guess, in terms of where you're going to get advice from.01:04:03.465 --> 01:04:12.338


And is that what happens in these groups, not necessarily in that negative way, but are the lads sort of like giving each other advice, or is it just you just talk and then people listen?01:04:12.530 --> 01:04:14.309


Basically, it's fantastic, right?01:04:14.309 --> 01:04:15.596


So you have a talking ball.01:04:15.596 --> 01:04:32.519


So if you go to these groups, there's no pressure to talk If you don't want to talk, which some guys, for the first time, have just passed the ball on, so you can get a feel of it all, but it's, it's good, you know, because when we break up into the groups, say, one person will be talking about one thing and then another guy like, oh well, I've had that.01:04:32.519 --> 01:04:33.762


And then another guy, I've had that.01:04:42.989 --> 01:04:43.753


So we always said never interrupt talk.01:04:43.753 --> 01:04:45.420


But it's good how like different people can and they can form little friendships.01:04:45.420 --> 01:04:46.967


Yeah, because they've been through similar experiences and things like that.01:04:46.987 --> 01:04:48.170


Yeah, exactly like, for instance on on.01:04:48.170 --> 01:05:00.936


One of the questions on on monday was uh, what's a hobby that you don't do, enough of, that you would like to do so one guy mentioned about going to the the motorbike racing and then another guy was like oh well, I like to do up cars and stuff.01:05:00.936 --> 01:05:02.362


Another guy was like oh well, I like to do up cars and stuff.01:05:02.362 --> 01:05:08.461


Another guy was like oh, I'm into bike racing too, so it's literally like being like in an absolute bike and car fest.01:05:08.610 --> 01:05:10.175


It's like that scene in Step Brothers.01:05:10.175 --> 01:05:13.235


It's like did we just become best friends?01:05:13.235 --> 01:05:13.677


Yeah.01:05:13.797 --> 01:05:15.000


Do you know what I've?01:05:15.000 --> 01:05:26.907


I met a guy he just happened to come down to the Rippon man Club two weeks ago because Harrogate was shut off because of all the snow, and he was in my group and we've just instantly formed like a friendship.01:05:26.987 --> 01:05:30.954


It feels like, and that is the exact moment we say have you just become best friends?01:05:30.954 --> 01:05:31.557


Yeah, that's brilliant.01:05:31.557 --> 01:05:45.625


What would you, I suppose, if I asked you to sell it to someone now, in a very short way, someone who was maybe thinking about going, but kind of, like you said, the type of person that might just drive straight past, sit in the car?01:05:45.625 --> 01:05:47.690


What would be the one thing you'd say to them to encourage them to come to a meeting?01:05:48.713 --> 01:05:49.577


I said this at the beginning.01:05:49.577 --> 01:05:52.695


I said obviously we cannot hashtag this because it's profanity.01:05:52.695 --> 01:05:54.797


But I've always said hashtag fucking brilliant.01:05:54.916 --> 01:05:55.760


I've always said that.01:05:56.309 --> 01:06:05.469


But I think the main thing is, as a guy, whatever you're going through depression, anxiety, just anything I think once you get into them you're not alone.01:06:05.469 --> 01:06:08.318


You realise, you know you are not in this alone.01:06:09.230 --> 01:06:10.355


There's loads of people together.01:06:10.355 --> 01:06:16.318


Like I said, 29 people just from a small town in Thirsk, and then the numbers are adding up as well.01:06:16.318 --> 01:06:20.101


I think there was just short of 6,000 who attended across the country.01:06:20.101 --> 01:06:25.994


But I think, yeah, that's the main thing to realise is you're not alone, and that is.01:06:25.994 --> 01:06:26.974


It's huge for them.01:06:26.974 --> 01:06:32.240


And I say to people as well I try and encourage them look, if you are coming to start new, go sober.01:06:32.240 --> 01:06:33.302


It doesn't happen overnight.01:06:33.302 --> 01:06:34.364


It took me months.01:06:35.485 --> 01:06:36.726


It took me yeah months.01:06:39.369 --> 01:06:41.012


And I'm still working, still working now to get where I am.01:06:41.012 --> 01:06:41.273


But I got.01:06:41.273 --> 01:06:43.536


So I got one message.01:06:43.536 --> 01:06:45.938


Oh God, I'm going to fucking break down again here.01:06:45.998 --> 01:06:53.552


I got a message leading up to the man club from and I thought it was just a guy inquiring about it and it was from Mark.01:06:53.552 --> 01:07:05.364


So I opened it up and he said hi Ross, you won't remember me, but I was the paramedic who turned up first at the scene when you tried to take your own life.01:07:05.364 --> 01:07:06.269


I've just seen you on this man club video.01:07:06.269 --> 01:07:08.398


And he said I'm absolutely fucking buzzing.01:07:08.398 --> 01:07:12.976


He said I've plucked up the courage to message you because I didn't want to bring back trauma.01:07:12.976 --> 01:07:15.257


I didn't think if it was going to be unprofessional.01:07:15.257 --> 01:07:18.117


But he said every time I go on Facebook all I see is your face.01:07:18.117 --> 01:07:29.831


I've had to message you and, face off, had to message her.01:07:29.831 --> 01:07:31.376


And I was like oh my god, thank you so much for messaging me.01:07:31.376 --> 01:07:33.302


So he arranged to meet up on the thursday and I was nervous as hell.01:07:33.302 --> 01:07:34.746


I thought this guy has saved my life and I'm nervous going to meet him.01:07:34.746 --> 01:07:39.277


And I pulled up and say my name's me, geordie lad, and I just I could see the tears in his eyes in mind.01:07:39.277 --> 01:07:43.523


I just gave him the biggest hug ever and he told me his part of the story.01:07:44.090 --> 01:07:52.461


So he was working the Saturday morning, his colleague was, it just took a bit of overtime.01:07:52.461 --> 01:07:59.077


I was hoping for a quiet day and that was the first call and he said I don't know what it was, ross, he said, because I attend these calls all the time.01:07:59.077 --> 01:08:01.597


But he said yours is just always stuck in my head.01:08:01.597 --> 01:08:02.755


He said I turned up.01:08:02.755 --> 01:08:08.699


He said your mum was absolutely exhausted, so me and mum have never spoke about what happened that day.01:08:08.699 --> 01:08:12.396


He said we had to take over from your mum.01:08:12.396 --> 01:08:16.381


He said we literally had to flip all your furniture in your house.01:08:16.381 --> 01:08:26.515


He said your mum had been working on you for about 15, 20 minutes and he said we had 10 paramedics who worked on you for over an hour.01:08:26.515 --> 01:08:32.719


The air ambulance turned up and they took me off to hospital, not in the air ambulance, they turned up just to carry on working on me.01:08:34.051 --> 01:08:39.136


And Mark said in his debrief after it all happened he said we'll never see that lad again.01:08:39.136 --> 01:08:40.474


And he said so.01:08:40.474 --> 01:08:44.375


Obviously we can't chase up what has happened to people because we see it day in, day out.01:08:44.375 --> 01:08:50.940


He said but honest to God, to see your face and to see what you are doing now is just absolutely amazing.01:08:50.940 --> 01:08:56.841


So that triggered the chat to have my mum about what she saw.01:08:56.841 --> 01:09:03.819


Yeah, and it was a tough, tough, tough talk.01:09:05.211 --> 01:09:07.559


She came into the house and she thought I was dead.01:09:07.559 --> 01:09:10.219


She said, ross, she said you were just blue in the face.01:09:10.219 --> 01:09:15.680


All your face was slumped and she said I'd grabbed all of you.01:09:15.680 --> 01:09:28.978


She said I couldn't physically pull you down and this oh, I forgot to mention this bit but if you believe in fate or not, the week before I actually did it, my grandma asked my mum if I wanted anything for the house.01:09:28.978 --> 01:09:30.582


Like I mentioned before, I like cooking.01:09:30.582 --> 01:09:32.671


So she bought me a sharp knife.01:09:32.671 --> 01:09:36.033


Mum said when I came in, that was on the side.01:09:36.033 --> 01:09:37.594


She said that was the first thing I saw.01:09:37.594 --> 01:09:39.756


She said without that sharp knife I wouldn't have been able to cut you down.01:09:39.756 --> 01:09:43.259


So she cut me down and she said Ross.01:09:43.259 --> 01:09:49.462


She said I was physically exhausted, I was resuscitating you and she said I was dripping with sweat.01:09:49.462 --> 01:09:52.645


And she said when the paramedics came in they had to take me outside.01:09:53.286 --> 01:09:54.827


And treat her as well, sort of thing.01:09:54.867 --> 01:10:00.237


Yeah, look after her and she said they just kept coming in, kept coming in, coming in.01:10:00.237 --> 01:10:01.804


He said they just flipped all your stuff while they sat on work.01:10:01.804 --> 01:10:05.978


Sonia, he said it was horrendous and then so we'd not spoke about that for what?01:10:05.978 --> 01:10:06.619


20 months.01:10:06.619 --> 01:10:13.921


So that was hard and I think it put into realisation like how lucky I am to know.01:10:14.569 --> 01:10:15.793


And to have this.01:10:15.793 --> 01:10:19.974


I said to him do you mind, if I like, take a picture and put a post up?01:10:19.974 --> 01:10:42.484


He said absolutely, and I remember putting my post um to have this effect on someone's life whose job it was was to save mine was massive Um, cause he, he was said, you know, I always wondered what had happened to you, um, and so now I've kept in touch with Mark and I think I must've hugged him about 20 times and just told him thank you to him and his colleagues.01:10:42.484 --> 01:10:46.927


But, yeah, to actually hear other people's side stories.01:10:47.230 --> 01:10:56.474


It's so important that and we'll probably kind of finish it on this as well, because I think that's so important, especially when we talk about drug addiction Because the paramedics one thing.01:10:56.474 --> 01:11:09.545


That again, this is my interpretation, I think paramedics when they get the call about an overdose, it's met with oh for fuck's sake, I should be out there saving someone from a heart attack, something that they haven't done to themselves.01:11:09.969 --> 01:11:10.090


Yeah.01:11:10.990 --> 01:11:21.680


And you sometimes see like or maybe it's just my interpretation of it the attitude of paramedics when they're working on someone who's had a drug overdose, almost like it's an inconvenience to them yeah, but they do the job because it's their job.01:11:22.122 --> 01:11:33.595


Now, there's something in that where I think I just wish you could those paramedics of all the people I've spoken to that have had overdoses, like you said, the paramedics they'll will never see that person again, and it's right, they often don't.01:11:33.636 --> 01:11:47.755


They don't see what happens, and I'd love for them to see what happens when people finally do get recovery and understand that what they're doing whilst at the time it may feel like an inconvenience or yes, I should be doing this, I should be doing this yes, it feels like, oh, this person's done this to themselves.01:11:47.755 --> 01:12:05.907


I wish they could see what they had done in that moment and how those people are getting on now in life once they achieve recovery, because if they didn't do what they did, that person wouldn't be where they are today, and I just wish they could see the end of it, because I think it's something that it almost saddens me a little bit that the paramedics don't see the end result of what they contribute to.01:12:05.907 --> 01:12:24.302


So, hearing that story from yourself about someone that has worked on on yourself, and seeing how many people go on and start sharing their story, start working in such a public facing role in the way that you are, I just wish they could see the recovery, see the end journey of that person and what they have contributed to.01:12:24.489 --> 01:12:25.414


What Mark has said to me.01:12:25.414 --> 01:12:30.154


He says I almost feel guilty when I turn up to signs of suicides, people trying to step their own life.01:12:30.154 --> 01:12:31.425


He said when I save their life.01:12:31.425 --> 01:12:34.538


He said I feel guilty because that person doesn't want to be here.01:12:34.538 --> 01:12:36.978


He said so I almost feel a bit of guilt about myself.01:12:36.978 --> 01:12:40.238


And he said he took some posters off.01:12:40.238 --> 01:12:47.774


My friend his and he said he took some posters off me for Andy's man Club.01:12:47.774 --> 01:12:49.336


He said I'm going to promote your story to everyone.01:12:49.355 --> 01:12:49.876


And yeah, not very often.01:12:49.876 --> 01:12:51.679


I don't think it's often at all At all, no so hearing that?01:12:51.719 --> 01:12:55.804


just do you know what it just gives the rocket up your ass just to keep doing what you're doing, absolutely yeah.01:12:56.305 --> 01:12:57.025


No, thank you, Ross.01:12:57.025 --> 01:13:04.603


You talked about Andy's man Club, how they like to end their sessions with some light-hearted questions, and we do the same thing here.01:13:04.603 --> 01:13:07.835


So my first question for you is what is your favourite word?01:13:09.719 --> 01:13:10.099


Can it be?01:13:10.099 --> 01:13:11.943


Absolutely.01:13:11.943 --> 01:13:14.576


Excuse me, probably fucking hell, because I say it quite a lot in my business.01:13:15.698 --> 01:13:16.381


Least favourite word.01:13:19.671 --> 01:13:23.377


Least favourite word Probably moist.01:13:23.618 --> 01:13:25.613


Moist, tell me something that excites you.01:13:27.436 --> 01:13:27.978


Can it be clean?01:13:27.978 --> 01:13:31.470


Excites me, I think.01:13:31.470 --> 01:13:37.259


Just seeing other people's recovery stories that really does give a massive, massive excitement.01:13:37.259 --> 01:13:37.439


Yeah.01:13:37.670 --> 01:13:38.894


Tell me something that doesn't excite you.01:13:40.418 --> 01:13:41.041


Negative people.01:13:41.569 --> 01:13:42.297


What sound or noise do you love?01:13:42.297 --> 01:13:42.472


O negative people.01:13:42.472 --> 01:13:43.105


What sound or noise do you love?01:13:43.105 --> 01:13:47.497


Oasis what sound or noise do you hear?01:13:47.497 --> 01:13:59.503


Um, probably all this pop shit that's out at the moment if you could do any job in the world other than you, what you're currently doing now.01:13:59.503 --> 01:14:01.390


What would you like it to be other than what you're currently doing now?01:14:03.956 --> 01:14:04.917


what would you like it to be?01:14:04.917 --> 01:14:05.899


Oh God, it's a tough one.01:14:05.899 --> 01:14:06.842


That is a tough one.01:14:06.842 --> 01:14:11.207


I've always said I'd like to do what my dad did at the beginning and come back as a jockey, I think.01:14:12.029 --> 01:14:13.675


What's the worst job you could ever imagine doing?01:14:15.279 --> 01:14:18.238


Worst job Probably cleaning toilets or sewerage and stuff like that.01:14:19.292 --> 01:14:20.237


I used to do cleaning toilets.01:14:20.317 --> 01:14:20.618


Oh did you.01:14:22.989 --> 01:14:23.954


No, you're right, it was.01:14:23.954 --> 01:14:24.578


It was absolutely awful.01:14:24.578 --> 01:14:25.863


I don't know how people miss the toilet.01:14:25.904 --> 01:14:26.386


But there you are.01:14:26.386 --> 01:14:27.912


It's like how the fuck is that another there was?01:14:27.952 --> 01:14:28.613


another story.01:14:28.613 --> 01:14:36.360


Uh, and then, lastly, what would you like to hear god say, um, when you arrive at the pearly gates, um, your dad's been fine here.01:14:36.381 --> 01:14:37.063


He is here's a hug.01:14:37.530 --> 01:14:40.235


Oh, that's lovely yeah ross, thank you so much for being a believing people.01:14:40.235 --> 01:14:40.936


It it's been a pleasure.01:14:41.077 --> 01:14:42.099


Thank you, matey, thank you.01:14:42.539 --> 01:14:47.698


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